Thursday 14 January 2010

Slow Learner

It has been 506 days since my daughters were born.
It has been 503 days since Georgina died.
That sounds so long ago.
Time passes. Inexorably.

I think that I have cried every single day since then.
Tears.
Variable amounts.
Different strengths.
But tears.

Fewer now. Weaker. Thinner. Cooler.
But they still fall.

Yet I refuse to purchase a waterproof mascara.

Perhaps because I don't want to admit that I will cry at some point today.
Perhaps because I don't want to admit that I changed.
Perhaps because I don't want to admit that she died.

Perhaps because I secretly like having black circles of mascara under my eyes.
To remind myself.

Or perhaps I am just a slow learner.

19 comments:

  1. a beautiful post, thank you.

    I think we hold on to what we have left, and if it's mascara, well then it's mascara. I wish it was georgina and Fionn and the all the other babies. Sigh.

    If only I could change the world.

    big hug

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Beautiful and tragic. This poem speaks so much to all of our pain. xo

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh you made me smile, I too have those dark Alice Cooper eyes everyday, unyet still hasn't occurred to me to buy waterproof mascara!
    It's sad, unyet it made me smile.

    ReplyDelete
  4. sometimes its those tears that make us feel closer to our little ones. *Hugs* Thinking of you and Georgina.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have so many tears and I now try to embrace every tear that I shed as they are for my babies, the dreams I had for them, and for how much I miss them. xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. You arent a slow learner.

    Hugs to you... And your daughters...

    ReplyDelete
  7. (((((((Catherine)))))))

    You are so eloquent! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  8. Big hugs to you! Thank you for sharing so beautifully.

    It saddens but comforts me to know that when I cry I am not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  9. i remember the first day that i didn't cry at all. it felt so weird and so soon. :(

    ReplyDelete
  10. i dont even wear makeup anymore..

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm a slow learner too, learning again and again and again that he is gone for good and that this ache is forever. Wish we were learning different lessons together.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Catherine,

    I've missed you. I've been slow on commenting lately, but I've been thinking much about you and wishing you well.

    I think waterproof mascara would just become one more way to protect society from your pain. Keep the real stuff. :)

    Peace, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am just as a slow a learner, then! I do stuff all the time like this. To punish myself? To remember? To let people know?
    Sending light to you, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I like to remind myself too and I feel no shame in that. Sometimes that leads to tears but not always.

    I think I am a slow learner but, for me, the problem is that I can't work out what I should be learning. If it boils down to learning to forget, then there is a lesson I can never grasp.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm laughing, but it's really not funny. But I so get it. Me too.

    It's amazing how much the presence - or absence - of waterproof mascara can mean. Especially given the absence - or presence - of tears.

    ReplyDelete
  16. sigh.... i've stained all of my pillows with mascara from crying myself to sleep.... still haven't leaned either.
    XO

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm not sure if I'm slow, or simply refusing to learn.
    Big ((hugs)) to you.

    ReplyDelete