One evening earlier this week, Jessica walked for the first time. We had bought her a little trolley over the weekend and on Tuesday she marched up to it and pushed it along. My husband and I were both a little taken aback, perhaps we purchased a magic trolley? One that imparts a sudden ability to walk. Who knew? We are considering loaning it out for a small fee.
She walked towards me with a beaming smile on her face.
She looked so pleased and so proud.
I couldn't stop my grin.
And then I couldn't stop my tears.
This endless process of realising how much I have gained, how much was granted when Jessica survived and left the hospital.
Whenever I think I have grasped it, defined it, touched the edges and been sufficiently thankful for it, that is when I discover yet more.
It seems boundless.
All the opportunities that I have been given.
Jessica shows me how much more I have, more than I will ever realise.
More happiness, more surprise, more gratitude.
More than I think I can completely understand.
Not until our time together is over. Perhaps then. Perhaps not even then.
But there is an antagonistic process, like those muscle that work in unison to move a joint, that pulls in the opposite direction. Because I haven't even begun to realise how much I have lost.
I lost something immeasurable when Georgina died.
More than I think I will ever completely understand.
I lost my tiny baby and I lost her at this age too. At every age.
She'll never be older than three days old.
She'll never be bigger than 1lb 10oz.
I still don't believe it. I still catch myself trying to think of ways to fix it, to bring my little girl back to me. How ridiculous can you get?
It happens in my dreams too.
The hospital 'phone me to say that they have found her.
Or that they have another baby which I should take, as they knew I was going to have twins.
My head swims with it.
How much I gained.
How much I lost.
Somehow I feel that they should cancel one another out, that I should be feeling flat and calm, that one should reconcile me to the other.
But it doesn't.
Oh Catherine, seeing Jessica is so lovely, I have tears in my eyes thinking of all you have gained and all you have lost.
ReplyDeleteExactly. At every age.
ReplyDeletexxx
oh catherine, your post and the video brought tears to my eyes....you articulate so well the feeling of being so torn. Sending you so much love xx
ReplyDeletePeter and I watched this video with tears in our eyes. This is just wonderful. So wonderful. Yay for her steps!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd then I cried. Because I feel that way too. When I watch Bobby and Maya do things, it causes such an ache to go with the joy.
SEnding you hugs for your ache..
I understand. Each milestone celebrated is a new joy. Each milestone missed is a new loss.((Hugs)) honey.
ReplyDeleteCelebrating those first steps! What a love she is. Thank you for posting the video. Awww.
ReplyDeleteBittersweet is what comes to mind as I read your thoughts on every stage, every milestone. Cried along with you thinking of both your girls.(((Hugs)))
Oh Catherine, you hit the nail on the head. Only a mother who has lost one of two babies knows the joy and heartache of those milestones. That you can never be truly free to celebrate the successes because they are always twinged with a touch of sadness and longing...Hugging you, so proud, happy for Jessica, thinking about your Georgina.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much fo sharing this special moment with your magic trolley and your magical girl. And soothing heartfelt loving balm for the ache xxxx
ReplyDeleteWhat a clever girl your Jessica is! She is beautiful. :) I'm so sorry Georgina isn't here with you all to share these moments.
ReplyDeleteI agree, these feelings should cancel each other out but they don't. Everything still feels dumped on its head. Our girls are still MISSING.
xx
She is an amazing little girl!! Logically it does seem that your joy for Jessica should balance out your sadness for Georgina. But we all know the human heart & mind aren't logical. The losses we have suffered are so great that I don't think any amount of joy will ever take the hurt away. Thank you for sharing your precious Jessica with us. xx (P.S. I LOVED hearing your voices! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely video. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteR
Wish you had only gained and not lost...wish you had twice as much to give thanks for...
ReplyDeleteShe is precious. Her walking and you guys cheering her along, precious.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy for all you've gained and I can't imagine how it must feel for that to remind you of what you have lost as well.
Thinking of you, as always,
Linds
Go, Jessica, go!
ReplyDeleteI wish Georgina could be right there beside her.
Don't worry about balance. All you can do is feel what you feel for both of your girls.
Go Jessica!
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine the feelings that happen with each milestone... something forever missing. Enjoy the sweetness of these moments with Jessica and acknowledge the heartache of missing Georgina. ((hugs))
Wow, look at that! It is so true that watching our other children, we are reminded of each milestone we miss with our lost ones. Every day. And it is so acute with twins. xo
ReplyDelete"Somehow I feel that they should cancel one another out, that I should be feeling flat and calm, that one should reconcile me to the other."
ReplyDeleteoh gosh. this gave me the chills. no! it shouldn't do that.. no more than a new baby born after a loss would reconcile and cancel out the other baby. no!
beautiful, lovely, healthy jessica. what a little dream baby. just keep pouring out the love onto her.
your thoughts about the hospital calling to say they found Georgina gave me the chills too. i do that. i think of scenarios.. "oh, you have an extra baby lying around? sure, i'll take it, i seem to have misplaced mine. thank you!"
i just cant think of anything worse than a baby dying, absolutely nothing worse.
There is so much here, Catherine. You are such an amazing writer. You just say things in a way that reach out to me! Jessica is gorgeous and I only wish that Georgina was walking right along next to her.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you,
xxoo
Jessica is an amazing little girl, with an amazing mother. Missing Georgina with you.
ReplyDeleteI heard a phrase the other day, a twinless twin. I thought of Jessica and it broke my heart into pieces. Pieces for what she already realizes in her baby heart and for what she one day will, and for what it means for you. I'm so sorry Georgina isn't here with her sister. So, so sorry.
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