Birth

Reuben George W arrived safely into this world on Wednesday 4th of May - Star Wars Day as my oldest nephew gleefully informed me, may the fourth be with you - after an induction at 38 weeks, 3 days. He weighed 8lbs 11oz.

His birth was fairly uneventful apart from the brief threat of an assisted delivery. This threatened assistance spurred us both on to one final effort as Reuben was born very shortly after the doctor entered the room waving scary looking medical bits and pieces about.

I've tried to write a little about his arrival but it does not feel as though I should post it here. Perhaps just not yet. This place is too firmly his sisters'.

I search his face for a trace of Georgina's. But she has not left one there for me to find. My wise girl.

We sit together. Four of us. Four and a half of us.
I'm tired and uncomfortable but so happy.
Jessica suddenly seems to have grown up. Her birth, her sister's birth. Aeons and worlds away.
I try to imagine another big sister standing next to her but find that, suddenly, I can't.

As I gather Reuben's warm body to mine, I ache.
Ache for how tiny a 1lb 10 oz body is.
Ache for how very short a span of time three days is.
Ache for a daughter who isn't coming home to me.
Perhaps it is only now that I begin to understand that.

Fat, treacherous tears roll down my face and into his hair.
For however much I would like his birth, his life, to be separate from everything that came before it, to be simple and joyful, it isn't.
It's more of a tangle.
But perhaps all the more beautiful for that.