Saturday 25 August 2012

Fourth

Tomorrow, Jessica will be four.

She has been too excited to sleep and has popped in and out of bed several times in the past hour.
She asks for a toy from the shelf and I can't understand which one it is that she wants.
So I lift her up and she makes the selection herself.

A tiny blue hippo with a hospital ID band tied around its middle. The ID band reads that 'this belongs to Jessica Walsh' and I've never had the heart to snip it off.

That hippo hung in her incubator from two days old. When my husband went back to retrieve some things from our home. We had come with no spare clothes, no toothbrushes, no towels, no cameras, no phones. Nothing.

He brought back a hippo and an elephant, dangling toys from the bouncy chairs we had purchased the previous week as a celebration for an 'all clear' scan.

And when I looked at the tiny babies I had produced, with their mighty toys dangling down upon them. I felt despairing. And a fool. To have been so complacent.

But Georgina's blood pressure was stabilising and I felt a stab of hope. Idiot that I was. I am.

Jessica grasps the hippo and curls around it. And I can scarcely stop my jaw dropping with wonder. With amazement. It still feels like fingers poking in my heart, blocking up the arteries and veins, fiddling with the valves.

That the tiny baby with a head the size of a tennis ball. With limbs like sticks. Is now four.
I find myself clutching her solidity. Terrified that she will vanish into the ether, like her sister. Because when you are that tiny, it's terribly easy to disappear entirely. To ash. One trapped here, another gone.

'You're my friend,' she says.
'Thank you,' I say. 'I might not always be your friend. But I will always, always be your mummy.'

She seems content and turns over to go to sleep. Until five minutes have passed when she appears on the landing once again. Looking for birthday presents.

***

We moved to our current house slightly less than a year before the twins were born. Our previous house had a nice garden. I used to enjoy planting and watering and pruning. The slow, slow growth of roots travelling downward, shoots unfurling upwards.

Our current garden has not been so successful. It feels blighted. It's overlooked and shadowy. No plants. We have a lawn and a trellis with a clematis growing up it. Or at least, we did. After a couple of years of beautiful blooms and growth, I fear that our clematis may not flower again next year. Although it does have a bit of a habit of merely resembling dead. All form and no substance.

I had a pink miniature rose bush that somebody bought me for Georgina on Jessica's first birthday. But I didn't bring it in soon enough and it was killed by last winter's frost. I felt terrible. So neglectful and careless. But, by the time I had moved it in to the carport, it was too late and Georgina's rose was dead.

This week I bought a small rosemary plant. Because it seemed right. I decanted compost and fed and watered. I cared. For the first time in a while. I hope it grows. I feel as though I like this plant, its wiriness, its determination, its smell, its utility and its beauty.

Let's hope I remember to bring it in this winter eh?

So a small wiry plant. A thin white candle. That burns this evening. For you and for another. This eve of the 26th of August.

That's all my darling. My dear Georgina.
I'm sorry it's not more. But, in comparison to what I wanted to offer you, it could never be enough.

I miss you. I love you. I'm proud of you.

There's rosemary, that's for remembrance; pray,
love, remember: and there is pansies, that's for thoughts.

There's fennel for you, and columbines: there's rue
for you; and here's some for me: we may call it
herb-grace o'Sundays: O you must wear your rue with
a difference. There's a daisy: I would give you 
some violets, but they withered all when my father
died:

Here your mother stands. 
With rosemary. 
Rue enough for two. 
No violets. 
Perhaps a daisy? For your sister?

76 comments:

  1. Dear Catherine, I hear the pain. I hear the joy. May you also have some moments of peace and some moments of just plain, enjoyable happiness during these days.
    Love, Jill A.

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    1. Thank you Jill. And thank you for being such a support to me over these past weeks xo

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  2. Oh my dear. Sending endless love. I wish I could make it all okay for you. Xxx

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  3. I've rosemary here and I've been remembering. Thinking of you in this muddle of days of missing and loving and honoring what is and what can never be.

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  4. Beautiful Catherine and remembering your dear Georgina.

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  5. May these next days be kind to you.
    I'm here reading every word you write. It's hustle-y bustle-y these days as 27 creeps up on me... I hope you have the time you need with your thoughts and feelings... to ... be well? Heal some?
    Sending love
    Thinking of your Georgina

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    1. Thank you Veronica. I hope that the six month mark passed as peacefully as it could for you. Your Alexander is often in my thoughts x

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  6. Happy birthday Jessica and Georgina. I so wish you could be excited and celebrate all together!

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    1. Oh I wish we could too. I think it would have been a lot of fun.

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  7. Sweet Catherine.. I am thinking of you and your family tonight. My heart aches, simply put, for the fact that Georgina is not in your arms tonight as you prepare to celebrate the bittersweet nature of this milestone for Jessica. Sending so much love and light my friend.. xo

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    1. Thank you Leslie, hope your boys are getting on well back at home. You are often in my thoughts xo

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  8. Happy Birthday to both your daughters Catherine.

    I always have big plans for my garden and maintaining a beautiful memorial area for Reid, but the best I have been able to do is keep some plants alive through the summer. The Forget-me-not I had planted last year didn't survive the winter so you are no the only one.

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    1. Thank you Car. And, if it isn't wrong to say so, I'm glad that I am not the only one who managed to kill the 'remembrance' plant. I felt awful about it. Sorry that Reid's forget-me-not didn't survive the winter either. Fingers crossed that my little rosemary survives a bit longer.

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  9. I'm so glad Jessica is here, and I'm deeply saddened that Georgina isn't. Thinking of your girls on their birthday and sending a lot of love to you.

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  10. Happy Birthday, Jessica and Georgina.

    Candle burning, here.

    In my heart, and not only there,

    CiM

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    1. Thank you Em. I've been thinking of you and your family so much as you find out what the future holds for all of you x

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  12. Hugs to you. And Happy Birthday to both of your girls.

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    1. Thank you Nika. Hope you are keeping well, it can't be long now. Hoping for you so very much xo

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  13. Happy birthday to both of your precious daughters. Many hugs to your family on this bittersweet day.

    Just this week I finally admitted defeat and allowed some potted plants that were gifts from Elena's memorial service to be thrown away. I'm afraid I have a terribly black thumb. I felt so bad that I didn't keep them alive.

    Remembering your sweet Georgina and wishing you peace.

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    1. Oh my thumb is horribly black too. I love plants but it would seem that I'm not very good at keeping them alive. Sigh. And now you mention potted plants I've remembered that I also managed to kill Georgina's peace lily. Ah me.

      Thank you for thinking of my daughter Elena's mama xo

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  14. Love to you and both your girls on their birthdays. E and I are making banana pancakes for breakfast. I'll light our special candle at the table and imagine a few more girls around the table, a birthday breakfast.

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    1. Thank you so much March. I hope that you and E enjoyed your pancakes (they are Jessica's favourite) I've certainly found myself imagining a few more girls around the table over this past week x

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  15. How to juggle the juxtaposition of one alive one dead on the sane day... Both daughters so loved and wanted. The tragedy of loss the miracle of survival. Celebrating and remembering, wishing it could be different all in one breath, one thought, one heartbeat. I read everything you write, I feel as though I respond to every post. When I return to see if you respond, I realize my words and love and thoughts were only in my mind. Happy birthday Jessica. For some reason it is hard for me to write happy birthday for child who has died, even my own ... Because it should be happy but it's not, it's very very sad. Love to you my friend.

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    1. Thank you so much Renel.

      Strange isn't that the word 'happy' is so firmly tied to the front of the word 'birthday' - as though there simply couldn't be any other kind. And I wonder why I often feel so very much at odds with the rest of the world? Sigh.

      Just going to pop over and check your blog for news now xo

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  16. Love to you; LOVE to Georgina. So bittersweet; birhtday love for both your girls.
    ~Cava

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  17. I'm thinking of you Catherine, and remembering your Georgina on her birthday, and always. x

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  18. Oh Catherine I have been just sitting here at my screen staring at the beauty of this post with goosebumps. It is so heartwrenching to read your words because I always feel like I am looking into a mirror of my own pain. There will always be more to do than we ever possible can or will be able won't there?
    I hope Jessica had a wonderful birthday and I hope you were able to enjoy the day as you remembered Georgina too. You have been in my thoughts, as always.

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    1. Thank you Jessica. I can't tell you how much your words have meant to me over the years x

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  19. Sweet birthday wishes to both of your dear girls <3

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  20. Jessica is four! And looking for birthday presents past bedtime. What a marvel--four years later. Amazing girl.

    I thought R was going to be just fine when I named her. We had actually picked her name when it looked like C wouldn't make it. R was my mom's suggestion and I wanted to give it to the baby most likely to survive...yet...it seems like a foreshadowing from here and maybe a stroke of genius.

    They are linked in my mind and my heart, your Georgina and my R. I'll be willing your rosemary plant to survive the winter from all the way across the ocean. Thank you for remembering my girl.

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    1. Oh she is a marvel. I just don't know how it can be possible. How a life so tenuous and tiny to begin with can (and has) blossomed into this . . . alive-ness.

      Your dear R. I love her name. And I also feel as though our girls are linked.

      I hope that my little rosemary plant thrives. But if it doesn't, it won't be for lack of good intentions.

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  21. Catherine,
    I have not commented here before, so let me start off by saying how sorry I am you lost your Georgina. I lost my baby girl, Clementine, on July 6th. I just wanted to write to thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It is helping me greatly to read your words. Mostly, I wanted to write to thank you for all the music you have posted. I went through nearly all your old posts and listened and added many songs to the playlist I'm (continuously) building for Clementine.
    Much love,
    J

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    1. Hello J, I'm so honoured that you have read some of my old posts. I love music and it is very important to me. I often play music for Georgina and for other babies. I hope this doesn't sound strange but is there any particular piece that you associate with Clementine? I'd like to play it for her if I may? I completely understand if that is too personal to share.
      I'm so deeply sorry that you have need of this community, that you lost your precious daughter, Clementine. Please do drop me a line if you would ever like to 'talk' I will be lighting a little candle for your girl next to Georgina's this evening.
      Sending love, Catherine xo

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  22. Thinking of you and your girls, Catherine, and wishing Georgina was there to blow out candles. So much love to you.

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    1. Thank you erica. August seems to be very long this year don't you think? Nearly over, finally.

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  23. Catherine,
    First off, happy birthday to your girls! So sorry I failed to include that in my previous post. I hope Jessica had a wonderful day and like Erica, wish that Georgina was there to blow out her candles and sugar-up on cake.

    Your response brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for honoring Clementine, I don't have words to express how much it means.

    I found this song shortly after Clementine died, and have played it for her many times. The first 25 seconds of this video or a bit strange, but once it starts...
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ra_uv0uIY-g&feature=related

    My husband found this song and it's also well-played in honor of our baby girl.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hi_4ctu-Npg

    Again, thank you for sharing your story and sharing your music. Both have touched me deeply.
    xo,
    J

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    1. Oh J. That John Martyn had me in flood of tears. Truly beautiful. I actually really liked his little bit of joking around at the beginning. He looked just like an average guy messing about. Then he starts to sing. And his face, it looks so utterly transformed as he sings. I have never heard that song before. I bought his Solid Air shortly before the girls were born and I'm not great at seeking out new music now, tending to cling to familiarity.

      But there is one thing that I don't doubt, I couldn't love them more. I couldn't love her more. I gave loving her everything I have. Which gives me a strange, sad consolation and comfort. And I hope that our girls feel our love still, somehow.

      Bonnie Prince Billy I have heard of but have never heard. So tender, tinged with hope.

      I will be playing both of those tomorrow evening as I sit and remember my Georgina on the anniversary of her death. I will be thinking of you and your husband and your daughter, Clementine. I'm sorry that she is not in your arms. Sending love, these early weeks and months are just so very difficult and I wish I had some words to ease the pain for you.

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  24. Beautiful as always! Thinking of you and wishing Georgina was there with you guys!

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  25. Catherine,
    I am sleepless again and logged on to see if, by some fluke you had replied, and am at a loss for words. Thank you for abiding. Feeling much less lonely and so touched to have you honoring my baby girl. I'm glad you liked the songs. Thank you for writing back.

    I will light a candle here in California tomorrow night in honor of your Georgina.
    xox,
    J

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    1. Thank you J. I played quite a bit of Bonnie Prince Billy and John Martyn in the end. After I'd played Clementine's pieces, I was hopping around You Tube as my candles burnt down. They are both amazing singers. Thank you for sharing Clementine's music with me x

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  26. I'm late. I was away with only my phone, but your girls were in my thoughts. I hope Jessica had a fabulous day. Sending love always to Georgina. x

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    1. Ah Jeanette. She did! She is just so very much alive that it breaks my heart (in a good way) And Reuben is loving his trousers from Flossie's Garden. He is very tall and skinny and your elasticated waist is perfect for him. They are just so cosy x

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  27. Happy birthday girls, both Jessica and Georgina. Beautiful girls. Beautiful mama. Beautiful writer. I am holding you all in my heart during these days with love and warmth and longing for something else. A different kind of birthday party. A different outcome. What a remarkable state of being, to hold your four year old in your arms and to know it, really know it, to breathe in the impermanence,"terrified that she will vanish into the ether, like her sister. Because when you are that tiny, it's terribly easy to disappear entirely."

    It's gorgeous and terrible to know this edge of nothingness so intimately. That it dances with your psyche all of the time. My favorite image, so, so haunting and so true: " It still feels like fingers poking in my heart, blocking up the arteries and veins, fiddling with the valve." So, so true. My heart beats this way, too.

    Love to you all this week
    xoxoxo

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    1. Thank you Suzanne. I've ben thinking of you and Nathaniel over these days, I'm glad you were by the sea. I wanted to be by the sea too.

      And I suppose that is one thing that this experience teaches us that is so horribly easy to vanish at any point.

      I think I know what you mean, gorgeous and terrible. I couldn't wish this away, this feeling of somebody poking about in my heart. My heart beats just like yours and we couldn't wish to change it.

      Unless we could have them back, my daughter, your son. I just wish that we could exchange this knowledge, this weird and beautiful edge of oblivion, for them.

      Love to you Suzanne, xo

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  28. Catherine, you and sweet Georgina have been on my mind all day. I am so sorry. Such a sad day. It's all so terribly unfair. Much love to you and your family. I wish there were words that were adequate, but somehow I don't think there are any, ever, at least not that I have yet found. I am truly sorry.

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    1. Thank you so much Elena's mama. It is so unfair and awful, for your Elena, my Georgina. How I wish they were here, snuggled up with us.

      Your words are more than adequate for me and I'm very grateful for them. Thank you xo

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  29. Catherine,

    I know that these last couple of days have been so hard and today must especially be painful. Sweet beautiful Georgina, I wish she was here to have cake and presents and games with her sister. And in the midst of the sadness I wish Jessica a Happy Birthday.

    Thinking of you all...

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    1. Thank you Brianna. I think of George so often lately. As he has the male variant of Georgina and because I've been playing music that I associate with him, Neutral Milk Hotel, David Bowie.

      I hope that you, Leif and Clio are settling in after your move xo

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  30. I've been thinking of you and your girls the past three days. I hope it helps a tiny bit to know that Georgina's name is whispered by us around the world, candles are lit, a circle of light just for her and for you.

    Rosemary...it's so popular here. At first I wondered why it seemed to be in every garden. We bought some when we first moved here: a small plant in a pot, barely a twig. Then being the haphazard gardeners we are, it was often neglected and seldom watered.

    When we moved, we transplanted it--barely a single twig with a few green sprigs by this point--and it came back and thrived.

    My own garden is now packed full of it. I bought several more, lined them up, and I have a rosemary hedge in the making.

    I find a lot of comfort in a plant, symbol for remembrance, that can withstand so much, endures all things, and is beautiful (mine is covered in a multitude of blue flowers right now). In summer, the scent on the breeze just makes me stop and pause for a moment and think of C. (and love, family, and home).

    Thinking of you, Jessica, and Georgina, always. ♥

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    1. J - you are somebody who I can never really thank enough. For sharing yourself and your family and C so eloquently and honestly.

      It does help. It helps more than anything else ever could. I'm so glad that your rosemary thrived. I hope mine will too. I've been feeding it up and hoping. I'm planning a hedge now too. Because even the smell catches at my heart. It reminds me of Georgina and R and too many others. And now, specifically, C. Whose mama has a rosemary hedge and thinks of her girl, remembering and enduring, so very beautiful xo

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  31. Catherine,
    I love the song "Into My Arms" so much. It makes me cry - but also allows me to sit still and miss my baby and be present in the moment of missing her - if that makes sense. I hope this is okay with you - it meant so much that you have been thinking of my Clementine - that tonight I will light a candle here and listen to that haunting and beautiful song in honor of your Georgina.

    Sending you love,
    ~J

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    1. Thank you so much J, that is so very kind of you. I hope that I can be of some comfort to you, in remembering your Clementine, as much as you comfort me by remembering my Georgina.

      Love to you, you and your daughter are so often in my thoughts in recent days. I hope you are managing ok, as ok as you possibly can be. Please don't hesitate to email me or comment here if you need somebody to listen. I can't promise that I can help, I only wish that I could, but I'm here to listen. Any time at all. Have you found www.glowinthewoods.com certainly a community that has been of so much help to me.

      I've been listening to Clementine's songs this past week and thinking of your daughter. Hang on in there J xo

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  32. Standing by my own rosemary bush, and remembering. They should really just declare August the month for remembering.
    She will never be forgotten. And sorry I'm so darned late.
    xo

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    1. Sally you never, ever, ever had to apologise to me.

      I know you remember. And I hope you know that I do too.

      Love to you xo

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  33. I can't imagine how hard it is to stretch your heart to touch both your girls on the same day. Huge love & hugs. xxxxh

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  34. Happy late birthday, Georgina and Jessica.

    I feel the same way about my garden- what used to flourish has now grown dry and wasted.

    Someday maybe I'll be able to care for those green growing things again.


    Thanking of you tonight.

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    1. Oh Sarah - it took me a while. It's been four years and, although I'm trying my best, the nurturing that used to come naturally now feels a little forced.

      I hope that we will both care for green, growing things once again.

      Love to you and to your dear children, all three xo

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  35. So late, once again. But happy belated birthday to your beautiful girls. The hippo with the bracelet got me, I have to admit.

    Much love to you and your family, from way over here.
    xo

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    1. Oh Mary Beth. I miss your writing - I think of you often and wonder how you and boys are getting on and I wonder how it is with your Calla missing. I wish she were here xo

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  36. Happy belated birthday to Georgina and Jessica. I know I don't comment much but I think of you and your girls often ...

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    1. Sonja, I think of you and your precious four so often too. I know that your blog has gone private, I'm going to try and message you to see how you are doing just now xo

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  37. Happy Belated Birthday to your beautiful girls.
    Thinking of you,
    Heather

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  38. Happy belated birthday to your girls! Georgina will never be forgotten. Sending warm thoughts your way!

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  39. Dearest Catherine, please forgive my terrible lateness... Whilst I haven't had the chance to sit down and write a comment, I have been reading and holding you and your whole family in my thoughts. Every time the Olympics is mentioned I think of you and Sally.

    I love rosemary - dew of the sea. In fact, we gave a sprig of rosemary and a sprig of lavender to each guest at our wedding.

    We are now contemplating what plants to plant in front of our boy's headstone. I think rosemary might feature. Such a dignified plant - not showy, just hardy, beautiful in its crooked spiky little way.

    I kind of got stuck on the line: "I'm proud of you"... It made me cry - I'm not sure why. It's a long time since a piece of writing has done that to me. I suppose others might find it funny, but we are so proud of them aren't we?

    Dearest Georgina, you have a wonderful mother.

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