I hope that you weren't in pain. I hope the drugs did their job.
I hope that I shouldn't have told them to stop sooner.
I hope you know that your mummy and daddy were with you as you died.
I hope you know how much love there was for you in that room as you struggled to take your last breath.
I hope you know that I thought you were perfect.
I hope you know that the reason I didn't spend every moment of your life right by your side is that I never truly believed that you would die. Until you did.
I hope you know that I will never forget the first time I saw you. When the doctor held you up for me wearing a pink woollen ventilator bonnet and I saw your determined little profile. My girl.
I hope you know how much I wanted to nurse you when I was allowed to hold you. Even though I knew you were dying, I still wanted to give you life. So much.
I hope you could hear me singing your little song to you. I hope you didn't mind that I am not a good singer.
I hope you heard me telling you how very much I loved you, how very proud I was of you.
I hope you know that everytime I tell your sister how beautiful she is, how clever she is, how much I love her, I am telling you exactly the same thing. I hope she never realises this.
I hope you felt my heart bursting with love for you.
I hope you never felt my heart break.
This is beautiful, Catherine. I know she knew... I just know.
ReplyDeleteCatherine, oh, that first one? Absolutely. I mutter that in my sleep, I'm sure of it.
ReplyDeleteYou might know this by now but I'll share it here anyway - one of your readers nominated you for glowing in the woods this spring. http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2009/6/24/glow-in-the-woods-awards-spring-2009.html
There is such a peace in your words. I know it can't have felt like peace, and it may still not... but reading this, so beautifully simple and true, made me sigh and feel that way. I think it's just knowing you're out there, feeling the same lack of peace sometimes. So... does that mean Lacking-in-Peace + Lacking-in-Peace = Abundant-in-Peace? Well, maybe. Almost.
Thank you so much for your writing.
xo Kate
So incredibly beautiful.
ReplyDeleteOh Kate. That first one. Me too. That is the one that really keeps me up at night. Followed closely by 'should I have ever let them start?' and 'should I have ever let them stop?' I suspect those three old friends of mine will give me the odd sleepless night until I am in the grave.
ReplyDeleteI can never tell you quite how incredibly grateful I am for sweetsalty, your words and images. I am truly gobsmacked by the beauty of it all on a regular basis.
Thank you very much for the nomination, kind anonymous reader. It is truly an honour.
I tried to fill in the nomination form so many times but I wanted to nominate tens of posts. My indecisiveness meant that I ended up missing the closing date. I will be more organised this quarter and try to nominate as I read.
Beautiful piece of writing, Catherine. She knew, and she still knows how loved and wanted she was. She will always be missed, the world over.
ReplyDeletexo
Oh, Catherine. This is gorgeous and heartbreaking and full of so much love, undeniable in all this awfulness. I'm so glad for your writing and sharing. And so very, very sad for the reason.
ReplyDeleteI saw your determined little profile. My girl.
ReplyDeleteI hope you could hear me singing your little song to you. I hope you didn't mind that I am not a good singer.
I hope you know that everytime I tell your sister how beautiful she is, how clever she is, how much I love her, I am telling you exactly the same thing. I hope she never realises this.
I hope you never felt my heart break.
****
Oh Catherine. All of this and more. Everything you said and more.
Love you and Georgina Jane, always.
xo CiM