My heart.
It is not a faithful muscle.
It is also not, it would appear, particularly clever. Being heart and not brain, I suppose we can excuse it. Poor dumb heart. It misbehaves so.
"She died," I say. I shout the same. Dumb heart. Thump, thump, glub, glub.
I don't care, says heart. It contracts, it relaxes. It doesn't really speak and its supposed speech doesn't even warrant speech marks. Apparently. Dumb. Yet it talks to me.
Doesn't listen though. No ears you see.
Dub, dub. Love, love. Ever the optimist.
"There's no end point to that particular branch of blood. She's gone. You can beat until you burst. Dumb heart."
Beat, beat. Drum, drum. We will bring her back. We are magic, you and I. Heart and I. We will. Our will. Will bring her back.
Locked in an internal battle not considered since the Greeks. Odysseus, you know where I'm at.
"There is no point, generating left overs for a baby that does not exist. For a toddler that isn't here. For a woman who stopped. Stopped before she ever really started."
No left overs. Says heart. If heart could speak.
A full portion. For her.
"Shame there's nowhere to put it. Shame. Shame. Shame."
But I'm strong, says heart. For all your shame.
Xxx what else to say but send love? Xxx
ReplyDeleteI'd like to say that your heart might be the cleverest of all but that's a little too pat. I think that there just isn't any other way for a heart to be. Georgina was here and she earned that full portion. R earned a full portion too--same size as C's, just arranged differently.
ReplyDeleteYou can take her share and put it here.
God, I love this. I love your stubborn, strong heart. I love the way your words make me smile and wince and nod along, leaving me feeling less alone.
ReplyDeleteA full portion. Yes, in spite of everything. And I don't know where it all goes, but I'm beginning to really think that it must get to her, somehow.
Dumb heart. Strong heart.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful heart.
Oh this had me smiling. I love it. How dumb our hearts are. You've phrased is perfectly and this is just fabulous...lub dub. :)
ReplyDeleteWell, this brought tears to me. I love your dumb (not) heart Catherine. No end point to that particular branch of blood. He's gone and I fear the bleed out has broken my heart, never to be fixed. Beautiful dumb hearts. xoxo
ReplyDeleteA full portion and nowhere to put. That is exactly how I feel. Your words are love, though, and as you send them out, love for Georgina grows in other hearts, too.
ReplyDeleteMy god woman. If you put these into a book I would buy it. Your words, your pace... resonates.
ReplyDeletexx
I was amazed that my heart kept beating right after Molly died, and I remain so. I guess our hearts are stronger than we sometimes believe. And if they were in charge of all, we would no doubt have our babies with us.
ReplyDeleteFor all that strength, though, they are still so battered and bruised. Poor hearts. Please be gentle with yours. xo
I love your writing, Catherine.
ReplyDeleteOn an unrleated note, I had a dream about you last night - you were playing the cello underneath a bridge. Not sure what that means.
Remembering Georgina. xo
Oooo that makes me feel all exotic and mysterious! That somewhere I'm playing the cello underneath a bridge. Not sure what it means either but I've always wanted to be able to play the cello, don't mind if I have to stay underneath a bridge to do so xo
DeleteOur silly hearts... eternally faithful, ever loving our lost little ones - Despite all the pain, I wouldn't have it any other way.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is the same. xx
ReplyDeleteHowever glad I am your heart is still beating, Catherine W. - I hear this.
ReplyDeleteWhat would a smart heart do...?
'Tis not the whole of life to live
nor all of death to die. {Montgomery}
Sighing,
Cathy in Missouri
Oh, I love you Catherine.
ReplyDeletexo
I love this. So sweet. So true. I had no idea that I would love Nathaniel as much as I do. I couldn't imagine ever loving anyone as much as I love my living kid, but Nathaniel was there, in my arms, and he was my son, is my son, just as much as the other, with 16 years of being a son. An equal part of my heart for him, my little one.
ReplyDeletexoxoxoxo
Catherine, I haven't been here to comment for a little while but I am going to wade my way back and read the ones I have missed. Your words just sing to me.....mourning and pain but beauty and singing too. Lots of love from me xo
ReplyDeleteSending love... and ps- yes- your comment about J's birth weight does indeed give me hope. xo
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad. I wasn't sure whether to mention it or not. They have a chance, a real chance. But I'm hoping that everything is just going to be much, much easier than that xo
DeleteJust beautiful Catherine. I think a part of her lives as long as your heart beats.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful and poetic and true. Thank you Catherine.
ReplyDeleteI love this. Your writing is gorgeous Catherine. I've never known so much love before Liam. A full portion yes..
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful. We can maybe forgive our brainless hearts--they did, afterall, lay claim to love first. So hard to let go.
ReplyDeletexo