Under a drawing of 'my family' that consists of multiple purple circles.
I have _____ brother (s) who are _____ years old.
His / their names are _________________________
I have _____ sister (s) who are _____ years old.
Her / their names are _________________________
Filled in thus.
1, 1, Reuben
1, blank, Georgina. *Georgina was my twin sister who died when we were babies.
The teacher opens it. I say, "I'm sorry. I didn't want you to think that 'Baby Georgie' was an imaginary friend."
Her pretty face creases. At the asterisk I presume.
My husband is angry? I think? Angry that I wrote her name in the book. But he chokes it down.
I think that he no longer likes that name, the name that we gave her.
But what was I supposed to write?
0? Leave it blank?
This is my daughter, Jessica, who has 0 sisters? Who has ___ sisters?
I couldn't. I couldn't.
Maybe I'm wrong?
* I thought about Georgina last night. Her face. With its bruising and her eyes, her blue eyes. She just came into my mind. Unsettling in some ways. Old eyes. Open eyes. In a tiny face. Not even her. A replica of a photograph.
Perhaps I should stop asterisk-ing things? Supplying footnotes?
Do you add footnotes? How do you feel afterwards?
I am sorry Catherine, these things are so hard aren't they. I did the same recently for O's preschool family. I explained about Ava, there was no way I could exclude her I. It's so person I know. In fact, I still sign her name on family things from us. People may think I am crazy but it's right for me.
ReplyDeleteI wish with all my heart that it was easier and that we did not have to asterisk. Our babies should not be footnotes, they should be here with their sisters, having a living presence of their own.
Ax
I don't have any children to leave footnotes for...
ReplyDeleteIf Jessica does talk about baby Georgie than you did what is best for all of you.
Cava
I don't know. Maybe more formal, like in family trees: 1, -, Serenity, deceased
ReplyDeleteFill-in the blanks are stupid anyway - no room for anything but bad grammar
I haven't had to do this yet, but I almost always sign cards now "the last name family" so I don't have to feel bad about not signing Olivia's name or make people feel awkward by signing her name. (Or maybe make me feel awkward.) On Luke's birth announcements, I did include "angel sister Olivia" or something to that effect. This is one of those things that there are no good answers for...ever. :(
ReplyDeleteI have added quite a few of my own footnotes over the years. I would have done exactly the same thing. I plan on doing just what you have next year when Angus starts three-year-old kindergarten.
ReplyDeleteIt always makes my heart swell with pride and burst with sadness at the same time. Having a dead child often makes me feel that way.
xo
For what it's worth, I would have written her in the book. <3
ReplyDeleteI overthink it. I try to assess the reason for asking. If it's to determine how many people are in our family for some financial calculation, I may leave Henry out. Otherwise, I include him. I certainly plan to include him (yes, with some kind of footnote) for any kind of listing of our family, both because he is part of our family and because we talk about him and Kathleen may very well mention him (or not).
ReplyDeleteI would've written her in, too. She was here.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by Ya Chun's suggestion of 1, deceased. Somehow it feels like you can't argue with that - I feel like I have to justify that Anja was really a person sometimes since she died before she was born, that people want to make her into a footnote, but to just say, yes, Emilia had a sister, she is deceased somehow sounds like something strangers (or not strangers) cannot rationalize away.
I wish this wasn't so hard to navigate. I wish there wasn't something about it all that makes me feel I have a shameful secret. I know it's not shameful, but sometimes I feel like I am expected to treat it that way. I am volunteering at E's daycare and there are meetings that conflict with my support group. We are encouraged to talk to the group about rescheduling if we have conflicts, and I can imagine another parent saying: do you mind switching the meetings to Tuesdays because my older son has soccer? But if I imagine myself saying: do you mind switching because I have a support group for bereaved parents? I can feel the pall that will descend over the group. I know I could just say I have a conflict and leave it at that, but then that's what bugs me - that my lovely little second daughter is hidden away, something that can't be mentioned in polite company, something that makes others squirm and cringe or call me morbid behind my back.
Love to you Catherine. To sisters...
I hate this stuff, or really, I guess I love it too because it gives me reason to pause and remember Acacia. And it gives me the chance to share her with others. I imagined I would have the confidence to do this sort of thing with ease and not worry about what anyone else thinks, but I'm not finding that to be true.
ReplyDeleteXoxoxo
Forms. Gah. I hate them, and I really don't see an end to them - these kinds of questions are asked on everything we fill out from now until university. I guess, at least, at some point, they will fill out their own forms and these decisions won't be solely ours.
ReplyDeleteI keep writing Teddy's name in the ones I fill out, too. Though, as N doesn't want to tell Dot about Teddy, I'm not sure how long I'll be able to do this - I don't like the idea of sharing a secret with a teacher that I'm keeping from Dot. I hate that we're at an impasse when it comes to telling our daughter about her brother. And not being on the same page with N about this often makes me wonder if I'm wrong, intrinsically, irredeemably.
Thinking of you and sending love.
For me the question is, how strangely would people look at you if you left Reuben off this list?
ReplyDeleteIf you never mentioned him?
If you acted like he didn't exist?
Oddly enough (not!), if you ignored and neglected him, they might take him away, and possibly lock you up (depending).
But now they want to "lock you up" for listing, mentioning, acknowledging the existence of Georgina.
Strange world we're living in, where a person can be erased, as if they never lived. Where they are considered in bad taste if their name is mentioned.
Death. The great eraser...supposedly.
(And none of this means that you have to mention Georgina - to anyone anytime - unless you please, or that there are rules about when or where. It just means that THEY are the strange ones, if they think there's a rule that says you should erase her.)
You know my grief is not like yours and that I don't know this road as you know it.
I do know it will never, ever seem strange to me that you refuse to pretend Georgina Never Was.
xo my friend, CiM
Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. When I do I think people think I'm a drama queen who wants attention about their dead baby. When I don't I feel like I'm betraying her. And yet, most times I do write it in because I can live with people thinking I'm a drama queen more than I can live with betraying her existence.
ReplyDeleteAnd, honestly, I also wonder how many other people have dead babies in their closets who don't get taken out for a bit of air and I think, well, maybe if they see that we have one then it would be okay for them to let their dead baby out of the closet for a little while too.
Em, that is what I hate and resent most. That I feel ashamed of telling people about her in case they think I am being a drama queen. I hate it. I hate feeling ashamed of her when I am as proud of her as I am of Jessica and Reuben. Why shouldn't she come out for a bit of air?
DeleteThank you for understanding x
I did it today. Someone said, no knows better 'and how is number one son?' I said number 2 son. He stuttered.
ReplyDeleteYes you should say. Jessica will mention her onecday. Better forewarned. Better the teacher knows.
I think, hesitantly, you and dh need to think about getting some communication help. Max and I did it, a long time ago. I never thoughts he would but he did. Relate is amazing. You know where I am if you want to ask?
Love you.
I cannot think of a more appropriate thing to write. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteShe counts, Georgina counts, she matters, to your daughter, son, husband...YOU! I am so glad you included her. I often get tongue tied when people ask me how many kids I have and hate when I don't offer up Camille and then also don't always want to put my heart out there to be trampled with peoples crazy shit that hurts my heart when I do offer her up.
ReplyDeleteBUT...I will tell you it seems to be harder when I have to put it in writing. Pregnancies 2, living children 1, stillbirths 1, Breaks my heart when I have to fill out these types of things....but I am gald you acknowledged your daughter.
I sort of feel like, fuck it. Margot is one of my kids. Her photo sits on a mantle right next to Stella and Leo. She has changed my life, my families life and I think about her as much as my other kiddos.
ReplyDeleteTruth is, I have three kids.
So I write her on lists and answer questions about how many and the more times I say fuck it, the easier it gets. People will cope with the awkwardness or pain or whatever they feel, but the fact that one of my kids died remains just that. A fact.
I get the hardship of these questions, and I definitely get what Renel says about the "crazy shit" people say, but even that has gotten easier to handle.
Anyway, lots of love to you. :)
Georgina is real. And she is Jessica's sister- and you know how I feel about remembering our sweet babies. You did the right thing. You are responsible for protecting your children, and Georgina is one of those children. Keeping her present and alive is the best and only protection you can give her now. You did the right thing.
ReplyDeleteI was looking at a blog list of babyloss mommas today- there are so many of us! We all want to tell our children's stories- to hold people's faces still and MAKE them see our tiny, lost babies. I know that I do.
As far as your husband, be gentle with him. I think the men just have a more difficult time- I think it's the most simple explanation- if they can't fix it, they tend to try to forget and move on. And it isn't the lost child they can't fix, in the baby loss world. It's the grieving mom. He can't fix this part of you that still is so raw after all of these years.
Yes, write it in. It will help the teacher understand Jessica, because Georgina is a big part of her life, too.
ReplyDeleteIncredible how Nathaniel can come, searing into my minds eye! Fresh from my womb, warm and slippery, into my arms. How surprised I was at his little face!
Remembering Georgina. Wishing you had two little ones to get ready for school, to fill out forms for books. Twins.
xoxoxo
You know that I'd write in R and I have the wacky email exchanges with C's teacher to prove it. I think that people who work with kids should be equipped to deal with dead siblings and, if they aren't, there's only one way to achieve that competency. Plus, Jessica is bound to mention Georgina at some point and it's best to prepare the way for that conversation.
ReplyDeleteI've been fortunate that my husband sees things the same way that I do (at least when it comes to R's place in the world). I think it must be hard to manage different ways of coping.
When E started preschool back in the Fall, I had to write a narrative about his life, starting with my pregnancy (!) up to his enrollment. We hadn't really talked about Calla as much, yet, but I wrote her into our story, and let the chips fall where they would.
ReplyDeleteI actually had many candid and warm conversations with his teacher this Spring about Calla, her own miscarriages and her twin baby brothers who died when she was a child.
We were lucky to get someone who understood, but I guess my point is, you never know where people like us are, and maybe you'll find someone along the way who gets it.
Or something.
Sending love to you.
xo
You know, I think with stuff like this you have to look at it through the lens of Jessica. She's going to be in this school, with teachers, and peers, and she will talk about her family and will probably include Georgina in there somewhere. You want her teachers and whoever to be able to validate any feelings SHE has about her sister too. You do not want the teacher going "Um, you don't have a sister Jessica, what are you talking about? Why did you draw one in your family picture?" or whatever. You don't want HER confused, or to be made to feel badly, or like Georgina is not to be talked about or something.
ReplyDeleteI think what I ended up doing when Anika was in nursery school after Oliver was to pull the head teacher aside and explain the situation - that she might mention him; that it might come up; here's the deal. I did it again when she started Montessori for JK and K - mentioned him to her teachers; mentioned that Anika might bring him up. I was very clear with them about our belief system (that we are Christian; that we believe very strongly that O is in heaven) and made it clear that they needed to support that with her. In every case they were awesome about it, letting her take the lead on when to include him.
I think the main thing to remember in this case is that you including her on the form is not so much about YOU needing to make sure that Georgina is acknowledged (even if that is true). It's about Jessica, and her developing a sense of her family and life, and figuring out how SHE wants to incorporate Georgina into that - and making sure that the teachers and adults in her life are equipped to support her.
You know, you've totally made me think about something though. I was clear with Ani's teachers during the young years about Oliver (now that she's going into Grade 1 I don't think I need to worry about it - she can articulate it herself pretty well now), but I'm not sure that I'd worry about it as much with Sam. Is it because he wasn't here yet when Oliver was born? I don't know. Huh.
xoxoxox.
Christy.
Hmm you know, it's funny. I don't know that I think about it so much in the context of Reuben.
DeleteI just hope I do it for the right reasons. To help them understand what Jessica may be speaking about and to make it clear that we have explained to her that she has a sister, that nobody can take away or change that relationship, but that her sister died.
Argh I just always feel so darn awkward. It's horrible.
I too could never, ever have left her out. When asked, I have 6 kids. Sometimes I explain, sometimes I don't.. it just depends and usually people are too stuck in the 'HOW many!?' to even give a shit. But still.. the twins are numbers 5 and 6.. always will be.
ReplyDeleteSending so much love and light...
I had to do the same thing for Caelan at the start of prep last year. I even had to provide photos. I couldn't leave her out. Caelan knows he has a sister, and he will always know and remember. xx
ReplyDeleteI wish we had the innocence of children. My son has no issue telling people about his brother. He writes about him for school, tells total strangers and talks about him often. The other day getting a haircut, I overhear him talking about how his brother is in a box on a shelf and how much he misses him. Wow, I want to be that free in my words. I want to add him on forms, shout it to the world. Why can't we? It doesn't seem right. We shouldn't leave them out. She is Jessica's sister, she is your daughter. Write it on the chalkboard! Scream it from the rooftops. Heck if people think your crazy, who cares! This world is full of people who think other people are crazy. We might as well be on the list... I think I am ready to start writing my son in. Maybe I will add footnotes.
ReplyDeleteFor ever and ever I will asterisk- it's all I've got right now.
ReplyDeleteI hate that Seamus died. I hate everything he lost. I hate everything we've had to go through. And now, I'm hating all that his younger brother will have to go through to...
ReplyDeleteI hate to make plans these days (as who knows what lies ahead), but if I were bold enough to presume that I may actually get to fill in one of those forms one day, I will deal with it just as you have... My family has to come first. I won't deny Seamus, and I would want the school to prepared should Hugo bring him up at any point. I realise that I risk looking like a drama queen (as Em put it) and I hate that it has to be awkward and almost shameful like that - that some people will understand, and some won't - but it's important to me to be honest.
Plus, there's a part of me that loves to have the opportunity to include him - even if it is on a crappy form - just to be able to write his name where it will be seen gives me a little warm glow.
I will do the same thing when my daughter enters Kindergarten this fall. I already wrote the teachers to tell them about us because I don't want a teacher that isn't comfortable talking about my Owen and Payton (Megan's little brothers)...although they are dead.
ReplyDeleteMy husband...doesn't know I emailed the teachers. Oops. He'd be the same way but I allow him to grieve how he wants and, I think, he tries to allow me to grieve how I want even thought I think it makes him anxious. :)
You know when you read about the history of presidents' families...they always say things like how they had 3 sons, one stillborn,.... So, I think it only fair that we get to say all of our children too....even though I'm not the president.