I have found that I am very reluctant to refer to my daughters by their names when I comment on blogs. I'm not too sure why. Perhaps it is some sort of misguided attempt to protect their privacy but given that . . . .
(a) I'm blogging under my real name with a photograph of myself as I actually look in real life, albeit with a face obscured by hair.
(b) one of my daughters is never going to worry that I've invaded her privacy
and (c) my other daughter is only nine and a half months old and I'm fairly certain that she herself doesn't even know her own name yet. Or how to read. Or how to operate a computer. Probably by the time she is old enough to do all of these things, blogs will be part of ancient history
. . .it's kind of mysterious why I don't want to write their names. I'm going to break my own taboo.
My older twin was named Georgina Jane. She weighed 1lb 10oz at birth. She had blue eyes. I don't know whether they would have stayed blue. She had a tiny wisp of fair hair. When I was pregnant, I called her 'my shy baby' as I very rarely felt her move. Maybe because she was so ill but I didn't know that at the time.
Georgina was a name that my husband and I picked out years ago. When we were first dating. We had both always known we wanted children and used to talk about (and occasionally to) our two imaginary future children. They were going to be a boy and a girl and called Georgina and Lewis. We were so stupidly naive, I don't think that we ever contemplated that our children might not live. We would call our baby girl Georgie for short and Daddy would sing her the song 'Georgie Girl'. Sometimes I miss the people that we used to be.
I wonder if we jinxed her by giving the name of our imaginary little girl. Perhaps she was destined to stay imaginary as, God knows, I imagine her all the time now.
I gave her my grandmother's name as a middle name. It is also my middle name. Sometimes I wonder if that just added to the jinx. That labelling of her as 'my twin'. Even though I don't believe in jinxes. Not really but it's hard not to be superstitious.
If anyone is reading this who has lost a baby, did you stick with the name you originally picked and dreamt over? Or did you change it, when you first saw your baby or when you realised that your child would not survive?
My surviving twin is named Jessica Clair. She was the smaller twin, at 1lb 7oz, and the younger twin. Sad to say her name was chosen on the basis that it 'went' with Georgina. Clair after my husband's mother.
Because she had such a difficult and dramatic start in life, a lot of people take an interest in her. Everyone asks after her. Even people who I don't really know that well. Sometimes even people who don't know me, know the story and know of Jessica. I must say her name at least a hundred times a day.
Sometimes it makes me want to hide in a darkened room and whisper 'Georgina, Georgina, Georgina' over and over to myself. Just to even things up a bit. I love them both so much but only one of my children is fit for public consumption. The other one is a bit of a conversation killer. I don't say that with any bitterness. I don't really know what to say about the whole sad experience either, if I'm honest.
Maybe that is why I'm writing this blog.
Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina.
Mummy loves you. Mummy misses you. I imagine you every single day.
I love her name! Georgina Jane! (My daughter's middle name is Jane also...) The name thing was tough for me too- oddly enough I wrote about it once- here is a link if you're interested- we kept the names chosen for our boys but switched them. I know we did the right thing- and I know you did too- Georgina is lovely- she lived in your dreams before she was born and will continue to live in your dreams forever-
ReplyDeleteHere is that address if you're interested and up for some reading... :-)
http://momentsofpause.blogspot.com/2009/01/whats-in-name.html
Hugs-
L
Just realized that our blogs on this topic had the same title- What's in a name? A Lot! :-)
ReplyDeletethank you for your words over at my place, and for starting to write about georgina and jessica. i am already captivated by them both. what an amazing story they have...and it is and will continue to be both of their story.
ReplyDeletei know what you mean about saying georgina's name over and over. my hubby and i love to say our twins' names.
Thank you for the link Laura. Made me cry. I've left a comment over at your blog.
ReplyDeleteAw Reba. I've been reading your blog for a little while now. You and your husband and all three of your little ones are such an inspiration. xx
We always knew she would be Iris if she was a girl. I think of it as an old-fashioned, 'sweet pea' name.
ReplyDeleteI just wish I got to say it any other context than the one I do. I wish I could say 'Iris is a horror with her teething' or 'I have done nothing but change Iris' nappy today' or 'Iris, stop hitting your sister!' or 'Iris, my darling, you have such a wonderful smile, I love you.'
I could have written this post - well some of it. I have only mentioned my daughters name on my blog once - Maya. I too sometimes wonder if I jinxed her; her name means dream.
ReplyDeleteSending love...
I know you know what I think because of your lovely comment on my post about all this.
ReplyDeleteI love her name. Say it whenever you can.
I totally get this - the reluctance to share a name smashing up against the desire to imprint her on the world that didn't get to know her. For me, Oliver's name felt for awhile like something way too precious to share - like it was one of the only parts of him that I "had", and so I didn't want other people saying it. It bothered me even when my mom or my sister said it - like because they didn't get to meet him really or know him when they spoke his name they didn't attach enough meaning or reverence to it or something. I eventually got over that and decided that I'd rather share his name with the world...because it was a way of imprinting him.
ReplyDeleteI love the name Georgina, and the name Jessica. It must be so hard to be balanced like that - so happy on one hand to have Jessica alive and well and being able to say things like "Jessica, stop licking the cat already!" or whatever. But on the other hand to have Georgina, so beautiful and so ethereal.
I feel for you girl - my loss is different for sure but I definitely understand the pain of losing.