I know I've had this blog for all of about two seconds but I'm not sure I want to carry on with it.
I have had a really nasty few days. For no particular reason. I fell right back down into the black hole. Crying in public. That deep dark well that you can see no way out of.
I've tried to shake it off by thinking about other things, doing other things, writing about other things, reading blogs about other things. Just trying to avoid thinking too much about dead babies, premature babies, any babies at all. It doesn't seem to be working.
A good friend of mine, whose opinion I respect, said to me "you shouldn't keep writing about it. It isn't going to help you."
I feel very vulnerable having all my intensely private thoughts out there in the public domain. It makes me feel a bit nauseous. Perhaps Georgina and my memories of her would be better just tucked up inside my own head. Private and peaceful. Not out here for the world to pick over. A nasty comment on my blog would devastate me. The babylost community is, by and large, such a caring one but the last few days have shown me that I'm much more fragile than I would like to think. I have no resilience left in me.
No ability to pick myself up, dust myself off, start all over again.
Perhaps this isn't a great arena for me?
I want to feel I've moved on. That I am strong. That I can be be a good mum to Jessica and Georgina despite of everything that's happened.
I started writing this blog because I thought it might help. To write it down and try and release some of the experiences of the past year. A kind of weird exorcism by internet.
But I tie myself up in such knots over what I write. I don't want people to consider me ungrateful for having Jessica, I don't want to accidentally offend people (which seems to be becoming a bit of a specialty of mine) that I'm wondering if it is actually doing me any good.
I'm not too bright. I'm not qualified in English literature or law or philosophy anything remotely related to writing or expressing opinions. The last time I wrote an essay was in the late nineties. I get the feeling I'm too darn clumsy for this. One great big foot in one great big mouth.
I don't want to stop reading blogs but writing this one?
Does anyone think this process is particularly helpful?
Is a blog more helpful than a paper journal, which I'm considering moving to?
I'm aware that I am asking a very biased selection of people here but still, do you think that writing about your experiences with your children has helped in any way?
Catherine, I have waffled constantly between keeping my blog and even once went so far as to delete it for awhile, for all those reasons above and more. I found I missed it though when I was away and find comfort knowing I'm not alone so I reposted my blog. I have also been told by someone to discontinue my blog as it could contribute to prolonged grief but I now realize that person was trying to be helpful but clueless about grief. I don't know - I think you should do it as long as it feels right and if it doesn't, then discontinue. I know there are some women who read & comment on blogs but don't have one themselves which I think is a good way to stay involved and not become isolated. I also don't post often but read and comment lots which allows me to stay in touch too. I struggle with this issue a lot - sometimes, I pour over Sam's things and other times, I put them away for awhile, thinking it'll help me move forward. I think it's all part of this weird and f'd up journey we've been thrust upon. For what it's worth, I think you write beautifully and your comments to me are always appreciated. Sorry for the long post, this is a topic close to me. Much love.
ReplyDeletewriting about losing my twins has definitely helped me. it feels like a sort of public emotional vomiting. i didn't tell anyone about my blog--of course people have found it, but because i'm not inviting them here, i feel like i can say exactly what i feel without worrying about offending anyone. i do that enough in real life, my blog is my own place to say whatever i want for once.
ReplyDeletethere have been times when i have taken a break from writing, or have written about other things. that's been helpful too.
also, people's comments and support have always been helpful. i have seen some of those random awful comments on other blogs now and then, but i think they're pretty few and far between.
you do whatever feels right for you. write, don't write.
I think whatever you decide to do about your blog is very personal.
ReplyDeleteHowever, having said that, I have found that blogging is very helpful to me. My blog is MY BLOG. I say what I want, and I'm not there to be polite to other people. If other people are offended by my blog, that's their problem. My blog allows me to express what I feel to (hopefully) an audience who has had similar experiences. In general the comments I receive from people are very helpful -- even if only because I feel less alone. I think one of the worst things after losing a baby is feeling like noone understands. And even worse, when people who so obviously don't understand, are (un)helpfully giving you advice. They don't know what you're going through yet they feel qualified to advise you on your best actions. That's something that you don't (generally) get in comments regarding your blog.
Anyway, it's very much a personal decision. Whatever you decide, do what's right for you -- it's your blog and they're your feelings.
Honestly, I could keep a paper journal... And I never thought I'd want to write or be able to write about things. But without the support network that has developed as a result of my blogging, I dont know what I'd do right now. Even when I dont write about Nick, Sophia, and Alex, blogging does help. And it helps others. The one thing I didnt expect was the emails that I received from people who told me that they understood or found help from my posts. It made it feel like a silver lining of sorts.
ReplyDeleteBut you have to do what feels like the right thing to you. If you feel that writing hurts and doesnt help, then I am a fan of trying something else. If the reverse is true, then write as you feel necessary, even if it is about the mundane and not the twins. Follow your heart, dear one... It will never lead you wrong.
I hope you stay, Catherine. Your support has been so lovely, for all those weeks and months before you had your own blog. I feel like I need to return the favour. Having said that, I know what you mean. You have read at my place enough to know I struggle with honesty and when and where I can be honest, as too many people in my real life read the stupid blog. I have never blogged in my life, in fact I don't think I have ever read a blog in my life before becoming babyloss, but I do think it helps. I have always written, and had plenty of work published (I was a journalist) but my writings on my blog are my proudest words. For now, it has to stay.
ReplyDeleteI hope yours can, too.
With much love to you xo
Whether to keep your blog or not is a personal decision like people have said. I find my own to be very helpful. For instance today I have found another mother who had twin preemies and lost one of them *wink*. I feel so much better today, I am not the only one....
ReplyDeleteSweet Catherine, this is your space, your thoughts. You don't need a degree in English literature to write your feelings. If you feel clumsy expressing yourself, rest assured, you are not. Your writing is beautiful. I too often wonder if I'll find one of those hateful comments on my blog but it hasn't happened yet. I don't know if the blogging in itself helps, it's an outlet for me and my messed up feelings, but the support definitely does. And it's led me to some wonderful people like you. I love your blog, but do what you feel comfortable with and if you stop, please don't stop commenting on my blog. Hugging you
ReplyDeleteI understand where you are coming from. Sometimes, it seems really odd to be putting my most personal thoughts out there for anyone to read. But then something started to happen - people actually started to read and you were the first to leave a comment on my blog.
ReplyDeleteI write for 2 reasons:
1. To get my feelings and thoughts out there and not bottle them up inside.
2. To help others that are going through this awful experience. It really helped me to be able to read other blogs before I had my own and I am trying to repay the favor.
I hope that you give it a chance and continue to blog. If you need to quit for a while - that's ok too. I have truly appreciated every comment you have ever left for me on my blog and can feel your pain and relate to it through yours. If you decide to quit for a while and ever need to talk send me an email. My heart breaks for you and I think of you often.
Sending love across the ocean...
(Okay, so, the comment above totally freaked me out - I was like, I *know* I haven't written what I have to say yet! Anyway!)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're struggling right now. To me, yes, blogging has been wonderful. When our babies first died, I started by writing them letters. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning until I wrote to them. It got everything I was trying to tell them out of my head and on to paper and helped me function. I still do that, occasionally, and really don't want to ever stop. That's my special time, and I don't share those letters on my blog. But everything else - the stuff my sweet babies don't need to deal with (I try to protect them even in death, I suppose), I put out here. And I really do enjoy the comments and support. I once received a really nasty comment (I've been blogging since January). And it made me catch my breath, for sure. But it was okay. There have been moments when I've felt that writing about it somehow made it worse - but no, really, it helps me get it out of my head and go on with my day.
I hope you find comfort here in this community. If you chose to continue writing, please please don't worry about censoring yourself, hurting feelings, or anything else. This is *your* space. The times I've been most nervous to post something (out of fear of it "coming out wrong") I've received the most rewarding support. And, for what it's worth, I've thoroughly enjoed reading your posts thus far (altough, of course, I hate the subject matter completely :))
I would be sad to lose your voice. I very much appreciate your genuine openness about it all... it keeps me coming back. So selfishly, I'd say... don't stop. But I know it can feel very strange, having it all hanging out there. We are always at our most beautiful when we are the most vulnerable.
ReplyDeleteI struggle often with putting myself out there. I have felt incredibly vulnerable too, especially earlier in the process of writing it. What you friend said, in my humble opinion, is from a point of view we don't have the luxury of having. We need to do what our instincts tell us to heal. For me, writing is therapy, and healing, and all the women surrounding my blog have been so incredibly key in my growth and sense of community and calm. You can always stop blogging. You can do this at your pace. You can comment on people's blogs when you feel moved or strong. You can post an entry when you need to, not when you feel obligated. And you don't have to be an English Literature major. (But C. let me tell you, you are an incredible writer. The comments you have left on my blog often moved me. I had tried to respond via email to your comments often, but it would not go through.) I've never had a hateful comment on my blog either, but all we can do is imagine someone in pain, erase it, and move on, because it has nothing to do with us as people or individuals, but it speaks volumes about the writer. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is this is your space. Once you claim it, and mark your territory, you can use it for you. A safe haven for your grief. I've had paper journals, but the feedback is helpful, especially in a world where we don't always want to wear our grief on our sleeve.
ReplyDeleteI've gone on long enough. With love.
Your trusted friend is wrong.
ReplyDeleteYour writing and expression is deeply beautiful...it moves us and it moves your feelings. It is healing for you and for us.
A handwritten journal is a dialogue with yourself. A blog is a communal dialogue. They are both valid and "useful," but they are different. Grief was never meant to be only private, but communally shared. It's strange...feelings are strange...they feel so deeply private and personal...yet, there is no more universal experience than feelings. Our deepest sorrow feels like "ours," but there is no human who doesn't understand deep sorrow (or joy, or anger, or fear, or love).
And I agree with Inanna, vulnerbaility allows beauty to shine through. It also allows truth and goodness to shine through. It can also be very scary to be vulnerbale and seen. It is a great gift to give.
Grief is also a rite of passage, and initiation, a threshhold that we move through into a new and deeper and more alive space in lives, and rites of passage can only happen in a communal context. I'm sorry we're now part of this community of paresnts and families with breathless babies...it can feel unfair and cruel...but here we are together, undeniably.
I can also say that you're not a blogger, you're a writer, an artist. I want you to keep writing...your soul and heart compel you to write, I have no doubt. Art is helaing in a special way. It is a kind of sacred communion that makes wholeness and sense and unity and healing out of pieces and chaos and confusion and pain and disorder. It puts back into a new order what was disordered. Your writing does that for you and for us.
Write.
I'm very late to this, but I just wanted to say how glad I am that you decided to keep writing. I'm very selfish and I would hate to lose you! xx
ReplyDeleteChiming in late . . . I think writing on my blog and writing in my journal are very different experiences. Both have had value to me, though lately I've been liking knowing that my voice is reaching somebody else, somebody who might be nodding, knowing what I describe, somebody who sends me virtual hugs.
ReplyDeleteYou've obviously kept writing, and I hope you will continue to as long as it works for you. What I've read so far is lovely, heartbreaking, but beautiful and powerful.