My body conceived two babies at once, by chance.
It would appear that this was a major contributory factor in the early birth of both of these babies, the death of one, the long hospitalisation of the other and the loss of a large portion of my mind.
Their twin-ness.
Nobody really knows what went wrong in my pregnancy but 'because it was twins' have often been the first words out of the mouth of any doctor who has spoken to me about it.
It is listed on Georgina's death certificate.
It is the fifth cause of death on the list. (e) Twin pregnancy.
She didn't go easily. So it got pushed down the list a bit.
But it was still considered sufficiently important to get a mention all of its very own.
The hospital consultant told me that the human body is not designed to carry more than one baby at a time and a multiple pregnancy often, sadly, does not result in multiple living children.
And now I can't even seem to conceive one baby.
Kick in the teeth anyone?
The magic of twins....gone. I hear you. You have the one beauty to always remind you of where Georgina should be. It makes me cry to think of it. Whenever I see twins....I lose it.
ReplyDeleteThey should be mine....they should be here....they should be...twins.
You can't replace twins...they are a fluke...that's the part that stings for me. I can't have a do over....I can't have my twins.
I'm so sorry.
Sending you warmth....
right NOW.
XXXX
not so much a kick in the teeth as a fist in the guts and the neck and anywhere else it would really hurt.
ReplyDeleteit's so, so unfair.
i'm still hoping for you.
xx
I'm hoping for you too, Catherine.
ReplyDeleteKick in the teeth. Slap in the face. Suckerpunch in the gut.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, sweet friend.
xo
It is a kick in the teeth. It is unfair and unjust. grrrr. I wish I could fix it.
ReplyDeleteI hope things change round.
Sending lots of love.
I can relate... I hate hearing how "twins" caused Nick and Sophie's early delivery... How I might have carried Bobby or Maya longer without the other... What a gift, and yet... What a hard one to take.
ReplyDelete(For some reason I couldnt reply to your previous post. Wow. How intriguing!)
Yup, kick in the teeth. Big fat unfair tease. Totally without rhyme or reason. One would think.
ReplyDeleteBut it's enough to do your head in, I know. I get it, too.
♥
I hate the thought that the reason my girls died was becuase there were two of them. It doesn't make sense in my mind that if my body couldn't handle carrying two babies, tht it would create two.
ReplyDeleteHoping it happens for you very soon. xx
what a mess it is, this life. i just stumbled across your comment on B's blog. and im glad i found you. im so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Georgina. what a lovely name. i look forward to reading more of your story. im so very sorry that this terrible thread connects us. and im glad you didn't think i was an ass because of my comment.
ReplyDeletexoxo
If I've learned anything over the past few years since trying to have the boys and then losing Connor... life really isn't fair. At all. But knowing that never makes me feel any better. Hoping that things become a little easier for you...
ReplyDeletei heard the "because it was twins" a lot, too. also heard "the human body is only meant to carry one at a time" as well. why do people say these things to us...of course it doesn't help or make anything easier for us. in fact it made me feel worse because i pretty much hand-crafted my twins through fertility drugs and treatments. i always wonder if i had spontaneously conceived two, would i feel so guilty for their deaths now? i'm sorry it is taking so much longer to conceive this time around. i remember the pain of every unwanted period starting so vividly. it was almost physical, apart from the regular physical discomforts that come with it.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) sending much love and hope.
ReplyDeletexx sending lots of love xx
ReplyDeleteyes. a kick in the teeth. and the thing is, we grow up knowing about twins, meeting people who are twins, reading about twins. but because of this silence around babyloss, no one ever said to us: oh having twins is really dangerous, having twins means the babies could die, you really do not want to get pregnant with twins, your body is not designed to carry twins, yadda yadda. it's all just - twins! amazing! yay! and then in the end it turns out to be such a lie for so many people. so many missing twins who aren't talked about. it's so sad.
ReplyDeletenot conceiving even one baby over here either, catherine. thinking of you a lot. xo
Isn't that awesome? Fabulous, don't you think? It's like you (we) got lucky the first time around that the universe says, "that's it! Two babies for you! Sucks you got them at the same time and one (or in my case, both) died but no more!"
ReplyDelete@lis - I'm glad you found my long, rambling comment over at B's.
ReplyDelete@stace - oh yes, I know. I never expected life to be fair or to treat me kindly but this just feels so . . . personal. Like life is out to get me! Even though I know it isn't. Random. Just like everything else.
@reba - your comment made me cry. I wish I could take that guilt away.
@jenni - sorry that you are joining me in the not even conceiving one baby camp. Here's hoping that we'll both be moving on out of here shortly.
@MK - yes, awesome and fabulous just about covers it. I can't believe just how lucky I thought I was. Now I just feel pained by own stupidity that I thought it was something special and blessed to have two babies at once. Sigh.
Thank you all. I know this post is stupid but sometimes I just feel so angry, sad and bitter about the whole thing. Still. I know it sounds very, very ungrateful and most days I recognise that. But not on this particular day when I wrote this post. Thank you so much for listening.
This whole post is not stupid. I remember when after the babies died I asked about chances of it happening again and the doctor like practically laughed and said, "Your biggest problem was you had twins. They're more dangerous than people think."
ReplyDeleteAnd then he told me it was 95% chance it was an infection that I wouldn't get again.
I mean, what does an infection have to do with twins?
But whatever. I know that I am amazingly, amazingly lucky to conceive again-even just using medication-and I'm hoping hoping hoping that this will happen for you very, very soon.
xxoo
((((Catherine))))
ReplyDeleteI've been so amazingly lucky with my fertility - right up to when i needed it - and then it went.
I know stress has a lot to do with it - that's such a total pita - stress inducing just when stress is what you don't need. Just when you can't stop being stressed till after the thing has happened (a long way after it has happened) that you need no stress to achieve.
Bah. More hugs.
Motherhood, even at its best, is something of a confusing circle of conundrum and guilt.
Bah.
I am so sorry. I will be praying, hoping, and wishing for you to finally realize a full-term healthy pregnancy. I wish for your peace and happiness.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your supportive comments. It means so much to me.