Sunday 9 May 2010

Un-slumping

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bangs-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up 
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself 
is not easily done.

From 'Oh, the places you'll go!' by Dr. Seuss

As I've mentioned, Jessica is going through a Dr. Seuss phase at present. I must have read every Dr. Seuss book we have (and we have a fair few) on occasions rapidly approaching triple figures now. I think it has addled my brain as I frequently find myself thinking that Dr. Seuss was some kind of a misunderstood genius. I find myself nodding along sagely as I read the darn things.
Yes, you should try Green Eggs and Ham.
Yes, it is a bad idea to allow strange cats wearing hats into your home whilst your Mother is out.
Yes, funny things ARE everywhere.
Damn straight Dr. Seuss my old bean.

He may write charming nonsense rhymes for children but he knew a thing or two.
No bulls*** from my old pal Dr Seuss.

Bang-ups and hang-ups certainly did happen to me.
I did get hung up in a prickley-perch.
My gang did fly on.
I was left in a Lurch.

And yes, predictably, I'm now in a Slump. It's not much fun. The next logical move according to my latest text for life which appears to be . . . .'Oh! The Places you'll go!' by Dr. Seuss (proof positive that I have, in fact, lost the last tiny remnants of my mind) is to move on to un-slumping. As the man says, un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

If I fail to un-slump myself, nobody will particularly care and it is not particularly important in the grand scheme of things.
But this is a one shot deal, unless you believe in reincarnation, and spending it in a slump seems like a bit of a waste to me. Particularly when accompanied by a husband and a daughter as brainy and footsy as mine. Read enough Dr. Seuss and you'll start describing your nearest and dearest as footsy too.

So I've been on a Slump identification and management programme.
Search and destroy.

Slump # 1
Jessica's growth. I think I've been in denial about this one. Jessica is still wearing 9-12 month clothing and hasn't been putting on much weight recently. I weighed and measured her a few days ago and plotted her position on the centile charts and she has dropped away a little.
To un-slump this I am re-instigating the 'So you had a dinky baby, feed them like a school child of the 1950s and watch 'em chub up' diet. Patent pending. So Jessica is back to meat, potatoes and two veg followed by fruit crumble and custard / rice pudding / semolina and jam twice a day. Plus my sneaking in a little cheese or cream to her meals. I do have a hotline to the dietician before you start worrying. This scheme has paid dividends in the past so I'm hoping it might help Jess put on just a tiny bit more before her next review.

Slump # 2
My absolute failure to fall pregnant. I've also been in denial about this one. I have tentatively starting buying ovulation tests and the like but to no avail.
To un-slump this I went to see the doctor to ask if there might be a reason. He told me to come back in a year. Not what I wanted to hear as I don't know if I can stand the suspense of another year of this but at least I tried. Perhaps it is all for the best that I don't fall pregnant again anyhow.

Slump # 3
Work. Hard to un-slump this one. Particularly as by some rather mean set of circumstances I have been lumbered with two maternity projects and one acute paediatrics project over the coming weeks. Oh and one mental health project too. Thanks colleagues. Is it because I'm the only woman? Or do you just have a dark sense of humour? Or some kind of collective amnesia? But I will try and un-slump. Dr Seuss did tell me it wasn't going to be easy. Just smile, try and be professional and talk really rapidly. Oh, and smile a lot.  I'm sure I can handle all mentions of childbirth and infant mortality and so on.

Slump # 4
Jessica's preferred mode of communication is still the grunt. Admittedly she has a wide range of tones (from enraged to benevolent) and pitches (from bass to squeaky) but still only grunts. Words. Nope. Un-slumping strategy is to stop being so ridiculous. She will speak in her own good time I hope and to be honest, who cares.

Slumps # 5  to 50
This post is already getting too long but I'm trying on a number of fronts to un-slump. Bitterness. Envy. Anger. Resentment. Shyness. Loss of confidence. Uncertainty. Self doubt. Self loathing. Weakness. Dependence.

But obviously the biggest slump is the most difficult slump of all to un-slumpify.

Georgina is dead.
It still feels so agonizingly close, I nearly caught her by the very tips of my fingers.
She was so very nearly there.
She was conceived (a minor miracle if my recent attempts are anything to go by) and developed normally.
She survived being born.
She survived her first 24 hours, her first 48 hours, her first 72 hours.
But then she died.
And I can't remember enough.

I know that Georgina is always present. In the same way that my ears are usually listening for Jessica's grunts (or in particularly hard times, wails) and my eyes constantly search for her fuzzy head bobbing along (even when I'm at work and she is fifty miles away) my mind is constantly aware of Georgina's presence. I'm always hoping for memories to be restored to me.

It seems so unbelievable that this child, Georgina, who now feels as distant as a dream, so very other, was once in such close physical proximity to me. That she lived inside me. Her heart beat inside my body. Her eyes and brain flickered into life inside my body. So close to me. Nestled inside my viscera. That I nourished her with the food that I ate and the air I breathed. Even more impossible than Jessica's presence in that same place.

Georgina was born. Georgina was alive. She was so close. I was so close. Happiness. But she's gone and I can't remember enough of her.
My skin touched her skin. How incredible and unfathomable. This skin that still coats me now touched Georgina.
I held her living, breathing body.
I looked into her eyes.
I wish I could remember the space occupied by that tiny body, how it felt to hold her, the exact dimensions and weights, her hair, her smell. I feel as though my muscles should bear the imprints, that they should remember precisely how it felt to touch that child of mine.
It seems so improbable, so unlikely, that we touched. But we did. I know we did.
I have a photograph.

Try as I might, I can't seem to un-slump from this one. But I suppose I simply have to keep trying.

25 comments:

  1. Oh my dear, I'm so sorry things are so slumpy. I know I say this a lot, but I think you are too hard on yourself. You are amazing and you have been through an extraordinarily difficult time. Un-slumping is a mysterious process and I don't think we have any control over how and when it happens.

    Sending roly poly vibes to Jess x x

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  2. Thinking of you during this slump! Enjoy reading Dr. Seuss to Jessica. I hope the new diet works and as always, remembering Georgina with you... xoxo

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  3. Wouldn't life be immeasurably easier if there was a Dr. Suess lesson book for all of the unbearably hard things in life?

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  4. Yes, oh yes. Simply keep trying. Because you're so right - unslumping is the only thing left to do. My new mantra: what would Dr. Seuss do?? I'm glad to hear you're leaning in this direction. It's a good sign. My old mantra: it could be worse. Not exactly action oriented but it did get me through.

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  5. This knocked the wind out of me.
    Just to think those simple thoughts, that I often let escape me. She grew inside me. Her heart beat inside my body. She came to life inside me. My skin touched her skin.
    Thank you for this post.
    You were so close. We all were. Such a fine line between life and death when it comes to our missing babies.
    You don't have to un-slump from this one.
    xo

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  6. Definitely some unslumping to do in this life too. Good positive start on your unslumping, even if it didn't get you quite as far as you hoped. Well done.

    Sending you love ..

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  7. Your girls are fortunate to have you as their mom, slump or not.

    And I love the "so [I] had a dinky baby....". I find that an abundance of crispy crunch chocolate bars seem to do the trick for adding pounds to me. :)

    Self-doubt is one that resonates with me. It seems with loss, I've questioned a lot of things about me and about the way I am in the world in ways that I never did before. I want the old me back.

    Your heart still bears the imprint of Georgina in the beautiful way that you write about her. I love it.

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  8. I can't remember enough either. ((hugs))

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  9. Think I could do with some un slumping too!
    Oh yeah, and we did the 1950's chubbing up diet with my Eden. (minus the meat) I think she ended up eating a lot of custard and rice pudding!
    Love to you Catherine. x

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  10. This is a gorgeous post. I ache with all the missing memories. I'm still shocked, knocked back by the ones I do have.

    And oh, how I wish I was writing this comment in Dr. Seuss-style verse.

    Love to you, dear Catherine.
    xx

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  11. I hope this doesn't sound flippant but to quote the good doctor, "A person's a person, no matter how small".

    So, I'll remember Georgina with you.

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  12. I can't remember enough, either. I'm sorry that you have so many slumps to handle all at one time. Seems unfair that slumps seem to arrive in flocks.

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  13. that book was the basis for my high school grad valedictorian speech. wise indeed!

    do try to unslump yourself - at least here some of your gang can help you along.

    does Jessica have a sensitivity to any foods? or is it just a premie thing?

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  14. Hope the support you get from your blog friends helps to lift you out of the slump. You'll be out on top soon! Hugs.

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  15. i sit here with tears. this hits so close...

    thinking of you, sweet Cat, and your lovely girls...

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  16. Sending some "unslumping" hugs your way!! I'm sorry you are feeling down right now. :(

    Toddlers are funny with their diet. They eat less, but all of a sudden have a raging diet for a couple of days. It seems like Ethan has been the same weight forever, but he keeps growing taller and doesn't seem any skinnier?? Figure that one out. I hope that things look up for you one by one! XOXO

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  17. He was definitely a genius, that's for sure. I think some things will never be un-slumped, maybe just a little less slumpy?

    I wish I could remember more too.

    Sending love...

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  18. Sometimes I feel like you are reading my mind. We too are having weight issues. Lillian is officially "failure to thrive". I hate that label, I feel like any minute Child protective services are gonna beat down my door.

    And even though we don't want to, my husband and I are looking at fertility treatments again to have another baby. Which means it could be twins again, which i am not feeling oh so hot on. BUT it just isn't working the natural way.

    And if it makes you feel any better, My Lily also uses no words. She makes a billion sounds, and even talks a lot of gobbledy gook, but I recognize no words in there at all. I said the same thing as you, in her own time.

    I sure hope you find a good way to unslump. Wish i had some good advice.

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  19. Catherine,

    How could you get out of all these slumps?

    You are doing such a good job-you're such an amazing mom-and all you can do is keep trying.

    Ther'es so much of this I can relate to and so much I have no idea about, but what I know is that I'm here with you, sending you peace, and thankful that you're here.

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  20. you have an amazing way of expressing what I feel. Over and over again I find myself wishing that I could just find a way to say what I'm feeling and often I find it right here, written, thought by someone else, an affirmation of all that we have who have lost children have been through, it is such an isolating experience and yet I read and read and read and in many ways we are all going through it together, similar, but still on our own. I love your blog.

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  21. Sending you love and wishing away all the causes/reasons for slumping. Wish you had your baby Georgina with you and her beautiful sister and hoping the 1950s diet does reap results soon. (((Hugs)))

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  22. sending you love, catherine. also, my post today links over to your slumping. i hope that's ok - i seem to have busted my arm with all the slumping. boo.

    i too, hope the 1950s diet does the trick! if i could i would ship my mom's tuna casserole and my grandmom's crab imperial to feed your little girl.

    xoxo

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  23. Catherine, my dear, I'm slumping right along with you. I wish I could eat Jessica's 1950's diet! Sounds delicious! ;)
    I know you have to choose your battles and priorities when you have a child with lots of things going on. My son has his share, nothing life threatening, but enough to keep me up worrying some nights. That said, if Jessica's speech, or lack thereof, becomes one of them, I can give you some techniques to try to elicit speech (I am a speech-pathologist). However, I will not hand out unsolicited advice, as much as I want to :)
    I am going to get that book from the library, I think reading it may do me some good, thanks for sharing.
    Did I ever tell you Georgina was on my list of names, with the nickname Gigi...

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  24. @Heather - you may regret telling me that you are a speech pathologist! I'm going to keep on not worrying until her 2nd birthday but THEN I'm going to panic and you may well receive a stack of unsolicited e-mails!

    @Delekatala - Oh dear, sorry to hear that we are having parallel troubles. I hope it helps that I am stressing alongside you. xo

    @Andrea - I'm sure you are right. It might just be that toddler phase. My mum swears I subsisted on thin air for several months yet I was perfectly fine in the end.

    @Ya Chun - funny you should say that. Just a couple of days ago, the girl fitting Jessica's shoes asked the same thing. Turned out she was training to be a nutritional scientist and she suggested milk, strawberries and citrus fruit. I'm trying ditching those specific fruits for a while and then . . um, if I ditch milk I'm in for a time! Think I'll try the doctors.

    Thank you everyone, I do feel much more unslumpity for all your comments xo

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  25. Catherine, your post inspired me to bring home The Places You'll Go from the library as D also loves Dr. Seuss right now. I have to consciously fight the urge to cry because everything has another meaning after losing Reid. I want to go back to the time when there weren't deep emotional messages in Dr. Seuss, just silly rhymes and fun.

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