Friday 16 July 2010

More scatterlings

Jessica likes to watch television. A lot. If I attempt to get between her and the screen, she will try her very best to move me out of the way so she can gaze, slack jawed, at the monstrous goggle box.

At this point I should remind you that I am a full grown adult woman of around 5'8'' and she is a piffling little squirt of hmm . . perhaps 3 foot, absolute tops. She will still have a go at pushing me out of the way. Got to admire her spirit if nothing else. The resulting tussle would be amusing if it were not for the steely determination in her eye, letting me know that nothing comes between Jessica and her television. Mother or not.

She is generally allowed to watch two programmes before bedtime. At the moment these are 64 Zoo Lane and In The Night Garden. Both of these shows have very catchy little theme songs which I find myself singing from time to time. Kind of nursery rhymes for rotten parents I guess.

64 Zoo Lane in particular has a very nice little theme tune, describing all the animals who live in the zoo situated next door to a little girl called Lucy. None of these animals are sung about by name except for  . . . . . . . . yes, you guessed it, a giraffe who is called Georgina. Who is incredibly tall don't you know.

I have quite a bit of affection for this character as my own little Georgina was also, oddly enough, tall. She was on the 91st centile for weight at 23 weeks gestation. A big girl for her age. I wish that could have helped her.

In a recent episode, the animals were racing one another. Some moral about the snooty zebra who thinks he is superior to all the rest. Naturally we were cheering for the giraffe, Georgina. And it felt good. It felt good to say 'Go on Georgina' in a loud and cheery voice. Not hushed or sad. Just her name. Aloud. In the tones in which I have said 'Jessica' oh . . probably thousands of times. I wanted to carry on saying it long after the scene had ended. As though my cheering my little girl on would help her at all. I like saying her name although it makes my jaw muscles clench a little.

****

I have never been a keen cook. I'm obviously not the naturally nurturing kind. My poor, malnourished husband would testify to that.

But, when Jessica started eating, I became obsessed with recipes and organic ingredients, herbs and spices. Unsalted butter. Making my own stock. Scouring the internet for new ideas that might tempt her to try this or that. Calorie content. Looking for those foods that would fatten up those stick like limbs. As those of you who are kind enough to 'know' me on fac.ebook will have seen, I don't have much to worry about on that account any longer. But it is like a nervous tic. Weight gain=health=good mother. I can just see myself in twenty years time, encouraging Jessica to have that second slice of cake.

Sometimes as I cook, I think how much I would love to cook just one dish for Georgina. Just a little something. I don't even know what she would like. She would probably just throw the whole lot on the floor as her sister often does but still, I would like to cook with her in mind. To think, oh Georgina really likes x! I will have to look up a new recipe containing x. Maybe I could sneak a few veggies in on the side.

It makes me so sad that she never tasted anything. I love food so much. I wish she could have tasted just something.

When Jessica was still very small, I used to express milk on to my fingers for her and drop it into the corner of her mouth.

****
I thought that this was going to be my hundredth post. However after I'd deleted a few posts deemed not fit for public consumption, I discover that this is actually my 95th. But still I want to ask.

There is a song that reminds me of my first boyfriend, 'My Legendary Girlfriend' by Pulp. It pretty much sums up how I felt about that relationship and every relationship I have been in since.

'And as I stand here ... I wonder ... I wonder how many more times ... 
I'm gonna come here ...
I wonder how many more times ... I'm gonna lie here ... 
And most of all ... most of all I wonder ... 
I wonder what it means ...'

Even when I'm in the midst of something I can't help wondering how it is going to end.

I had honestly thought that this blog would be finished by now. That I would have said my piece and gone away. I feel a little like Sir Andrew Aguecheek from Twelfth Night when he says 'I was adored once too'.

My grief was new and raw once too.
When I read new stories, perhaps my tears are a little less hot?
My words are a little less confident, maybe a little less. . . welcome.
Perhaps it all seems too long ago, when I was 'adored', when my daughter died, that my words are an irrelevance, an annoyance.

I have visited this place of blogs every day since I knew of its existence. I sit up here in the spare bedroom in a nondescript house in the English suburbs and I read, I type, I cry. I occasionally laugh.
This place of shadows. A little like a church. Or a wood.

Where I can hear the voices of other people. Whispering. Murmuring.
Sometimes I fancy that I know them.
That I see them, that they see me.
Sometimes I feel that I have been caught up in a staring contest.
That I have offended.
That I have hurt.
That they would like me to leave.
Take my words and shove them where the sun don't shine.
It is very hard to tell. The voices here are faint.

The shadows moving in the periphery.
The partners.
The living children.
Although I will not necessarily know or remember their names.
But I will know the names of the dead.
If, indeed, they were named.

When I hear your child's name, I will stop. Floored. Just for a moment.
As though they were somebody that I knew and had loved.
Because sometimes I almost feel that I might have done. Just a little.

This place. It has a different population from those that stood here when I first arrived.
Even those that used to stop here and offer words have, in the main, moved along.
Maybe I am just a little slow, a little dull. I only seem to have the three posts. Wry smile.

And I wonder how many more times I will come here.
I wonder how many more times I will be welcome here.

Because I still want to come here. Is that wrong? Can I just carry on? Can I keep on writing about Georgina even if nothing else ever changes? And still expect an answer. 
What do you think? Do you imagine that there is a time limit on this sort of writing?

23 comments:

  1. you know you never cease to make me cry with the sweetest of words drawn together with tears.

    i think never. some things don't have to end, you know :) though we haven't had the luck to know that well.
    i picture us old and gray writing back and forth, sending love, comfort, hope back and forth as we have so far. pretty to think it isn't it?

    i know i will never be able to speak about my daughters in any other forum so candidly as i have in this one. and though i hope there are more daughters to come, i know that id want to share them too. that they too would be loved across the miles.

    i hope you aren't thinking of leaving us. id miss you terribly.

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  2. I just wanted to tell you how much I love your writings...so deep, introspective...so honest.
    Thank you for sharing with the world your most tender heart.

    I wish I had known what Simon and Alexander liked too. I wish I knew what colors...songs....foods....anything...about them. Anything. Anything.

    Yes.

    Anything would have been so nice. As it is, I have only the image of golden fields and eyes that will never see...purple auras and the smell of newness that has died.

    sending you warmth....

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  3. please don't ever stop visiting my blog.

    (unless, of course, you want to.)

    but i would miss you dreadfully.

    pulp songs hit very close to many bones. they are never comfortable listening, to me at least.

    (can i friend you on fb? i've been wondering.)

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  4. Lis - sometimes I feel that I'm 'outstaying my welcome' if you know what I mean! Nothing ever changes on this blog :)

    Of course B! I've tried finding you but the only mail address of yours I have doesn't link to anything. But mine should? I think?

    Pulp were a group I listened to A LOT between the ages of 14 and 18 so it makes uncomfortable listening for me too. Lost youth and all that. And a lot of their music isn't particularly comfortable listening anyhow.

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  5. I think I'll email you but I just want to say I really get this.
    Angie had something on her blog the other day about her art - how she cringes if it sells, cringes if it doesn't. That's how I feel about my blog these days. And it seems far less are reading, and not the same ones who were way back when. Time to give up already I wonder? But is that giving up on Hope?
    xo

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  6. Oh please don't ever stop writing about Georgina. Your writing is the most beautiful there is on the internet. I so look forward to reading your new entries. I've followed your blog in the shadows for a long time; I don't think that I've ever left a comment before. I love reading about how you feel about your daughters, just so you know...and it will never get old.

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  7. there is a holiday the day after halloween, all saints day or the day of the dead. i don't know much about it other than that it honors people we have lost.

    somewhere i read once that one way of honoring your loved ones is to put foods they loved at their grave.

    we did this for the twins on their first day of the dead. they had never eaten food, of course. but we put out foods we imagined each baby would have liked.

    i for one LOVE coming here and i don't think i would ever stop reading what you have to say.

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  8. I've been wondering too, about how long I can keep on writing about the same thing. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one...
    On another note, I love reading your blog and how you write. This is really the only place where we can express our sentiments knowing the person reading can relate to what we are unfortunately going through...
    Thanks for all the beautiful comments you have left on my blog.

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  9. Nope - no time limit. I, for one, am glad you stuck around. You've been one of the most supportive voices on my blog and a huge help to me. Even if you find you don't need to talk about Georgina anymore, I'd still like to hear what you say. You may think you are saying the same thing over and over again, but your writing is so beautiful and heartfelt that I don't think anyone else would notice.

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  10. I'm with B on this one. Please keep visiting, if you like. I like the visits. I like knowing there is someone in a "spare bedroom in a nondescript house in the English suburbs" who stops by and sits with me now and again.

    The bit about cheering the giraffe on - so sweet. The bit about wanting to cook for you daughter; I sometimes wonder if my daughter would've been as picky as I am on the food front.

    I hope there isn't a timeline. I believe there isn't a timeline. Please keep writing if you need to, if you want to.

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  11. I wonder similar things, too. And sometimes it feels as though I should be "graduating" or moving on, that I'm not the (possibly more interesting) wreck I once was. Now I'm a much more boring sort of wreck.

    What you write in this space seems so true. I'm grateful for these glimpses of Georgina, grateful for your voice.

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  12. Of course you should do whatever you want to do with your own blog but, I don't think you have to worry about overstaying your welcome.

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  13. I don't think there is a timeline, much as there isn't a timeline for your grief.

    There, always present, always missing.

    And much like the little TV show, this is your opportunity to say her name aloud....to let her name and story be heard.

    love to you my friend.

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  14. i've put in a friend request. i didn't think to add in a message so you knew it was me. i am an idiot sometimes.

    i think you can write about georgina forever if you want to. for as long or as short as you need to. and i love to read your words.

    i think you will be welcome in blogland for a very long time. there is no time limit on grief or on memories.

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  15. Tell the three posts as many times as you feel the need to. I have been reading a while and I can't spot them! I enjoy your writing, which isn't a reason to continue, but neither is stopping because you worry you should.

    Take care.

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  16. Oh I hope you stay... you're much more eloquent than I could ever be and your words are always such a comfort. And I hate that you have had to go through this with your girls, but you have helped me so much- helped me to realize that it's okay that I still haven't come to terms with Connor's death and helped me to realize that I'm not the only one who- even after what feels like forever- still can't fathom what has happened.

    I'm not sure there is ever any " just carrying on ". Instead we just function day by day, learning to push forward and learning to understand that this is what our lives are now.

    So in short... if you're here, I'm here. :) xox

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  17. Catherine, just wanting to say a huge thank you for your lovely comments and thoughts. I'm sad Georgina isn't here too, to eat your specially-made-for-her food, and to throw it at her sister in delight.

    I guess I'm one of the newer population in this space, but I don't think the fact that some of your visitors have stopped visiting should put you off. Who knows what might be going on with them - chances are their reasons have more to do with their own complicated lives than to do with you. Better to make your decisions on what you *do* know - about whether this place and your voice in it is still important for your healing.

    I don't think there is any time limit. You know within yourself whether writing here is helpful to you. Don't make your decision on others, but please know that your words are spot-on, and that we'd miss you very much if you stopped. xxxh

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  18. touching multi-post. counts for more than one :)

    I am just getting back to the blogs after a whirlwind-four-months. So, I am here, reading.

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  19. I hope that you stay around - but I get what you're saying. I feel like I've run out of things to say. I've thought about quitting this blog thing on many occasions. No one really reads mine much anymore and there is just a small core group of about 4 regular commenters (which I am happy to say includes you).

    I am glad that you have stuck it out for this long. I love your writing and always love your comments. Just know that there is a girl in a beach house on the east coast of Florida that is still reading, remembers Georgina often, and can't see a manatee now without thinking of you :)

    Sending you much love from across the ocean...

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  20. No time limit. I find your words so beautiful, painful and bittersweet. I felt the same way a few months ago... that my blog had run it's course and I'm just rewriting the same posts over and over again. I found that the pain didn't subside and I really did need this space, this place to talk about my baby girl. Even if it is only the same old stuff over and over again. We need this space and however long it helps is however long we need to keep writing. I can't see myself stopping at this point. I will be reading your posts for as long as you will share them with me. xxxx

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  21. Beautiful post. It's funny. I was just thinking of how badly I want to get back "on" and write. (Life has gotten in the way in a big way in the last 6-8 mths). Though certainly not as eloquently as you, I still have much to say about my son's death and his impact on my life. I think I've concluded that since our particular tragedy involves both the event and a perpetual living-without, that there are no rules on silencing our voice.

    I always feel so fortunate to have heard your voice, and to have glimpsed Georgina in it. Please do not give it up if there is indeed more to share or even to resurface. I'm sorry I have not been better at making time for comments.

    Thank you for the part on making a meal with Georgina in mind. It had me choked with tears of course.

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  22. I can't imagine a time when you would not be welcome "here", by anyone. I, for one, and I'm sure Im not alone, find your posts poignant and well written, and unfortunately, very much in tune with many things that I feel. And I wish no-one on earth would feel like me. I would miss your posts if you left, as I feel you are a person I coul dbe a friend to IRL. (Don't worry, I won't be tracking you down in England for a cuppa, although that wouldn't be so bad in my mind.)
    When I read about the giraffe Georgina from zoo ln, I just cried. Circumstances and coincidences be damned, sometimes.

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  23. This is the first time I have posted a comment on your blog. Maybe because I panicked. Stop your blog? I love reading your blog! I love reading about Jessica and Georgina and in some way, Georgina seems to evolve in your heart as Jessica grows in your home. Its heartbreaking and beautiful and I wish Georgina had stayed. And you say so articulately what I feel about my girls - Bella and her lost twin sister Ruby. While you write, I'll read. And as for a timeline - I imagine there isnt one. I know I will still feel those pangs of loss, of missing, of Ruby's absence when Bella turns 21, walks down the aisle on her wedding day, or has her own baby.

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