Sunday 11 July 2010

Third

I wonder if my husband and I will ever have another child. A third child.

It is beginning to look rather unlikely. But that's okay.
If I can reconcile myself to Georgina's death, this should be a doodle. Shouldn't it?

If you had asked me a year ago, in the run up to Jessica and Georgina's first birthday, if I would have another child by now, July 2010, I would have said yes. Fairly confidently. I was so sure. I had even allowed my mind to drift to that room, that same room where the girls were born. To another birth. To my husband's smiling face. To the reparations I would try to make. 
Because I thought that having another child would help. 

But I have only been pregnant once in the intervening months and that was a fairly short lived thing. 

Why? I don't know. But in the (unasked for) suggestions box we have the following hypotheses . . . . .

You don't want it enough.
You want it too much.
You are grieving excessively for Georgina and the 'next' baby can tell it isn't wanted yet.
You haven't even started grieving for Georgina yet and your emotions are all frozen and wrong and the 'next' baby can tell it isn't wanted yet.
It's too soon.
It's too late.
You're too old.
You're overweight.
You're underweight.
It's because you and your husband no longer love one another. Babies can always tell you know.
Well, I didn't want to say anything but the way you've looked for the past year it's not surprising you can't get pregnant. Not exactly like the owner of a uterus that a baby would want to snuggle down and make a home in. You looked kind of puffy and your skin was all grey. I kid you not. That one crushed my confidence because, hell, I can't even pull off looking fertile. Let alone being fertile. 
It's because you still treat Jessica like a baby.
It's because you took too much medication and now your hormones are screwed up. 
It's because you drink too much.
It's because you don't drink enough, maybe a couple of glasses of wine would relax you.
Babies don't come to order you know. No s*** because obviously I placed an order for two incredibly tiny and ill-prepared children and THAT was why this all happened.
You're too impatient.
You should be more proactive. You should do something don't ya know? Well, we are doing something, in the time honoured tradition. Maybe we need to do it a different way. Perhaps I need to stand on my head, or dress up in leather, or . . . . .something. 

I have taken a couple of tentative steps in an attempt to find out why I can no longer seem to fall pregnant. I've had a sequence of blood tests to check my hormone levels. No dice. Everything within normal limits. 

The NH.S would not generally consider funding much in the way of fertility treatments or investigations for a couple who already have a biological child. And when I consider how much Jessica has cost the UK taxpayer I can't help but nod in agreement. Over four months in hospital, all those drugs, 24 hour nursing care, consultant time, all that expensive equipment. I'm sure she has spent every penny both my husband and I have ever paid in tax and then some.

And the longer I wait for this possible third child, for this third pregnancy, for this miracle child that will be carried to term and born screaming, the more it seems like stupidity and smugness and hubris and greed. 
Is it even about another child any longer? Perhaps it has become all about me, me, me, me.

The longer I wait, the more it seems like a foolish idea anyhow.

But I still want to call out 'not fair' and stamp my foot and break a plate.
Because I still want another child so very badly. 
Still. Still. Still.

But 'I want, doesn't get' as my mother used to tell me.
That leaves me a little tired, a little defeated, a little lost.

'I'd rather be in Tokyo
I'd rather listen to Thin Lizzy-oh
And watch the Sunday gang in Harajuku
There's something wrong with me, I'm a cuckoo'

31 comments:

  1. Catherine the list of self recrimination was painful to read. I wish and hope that you don't believe any of them. I hope and pray you do get your wish. Sending you all my conception vibes xxx

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  2. you can't help all these things going through your mind, i know. in the end though it just makes you feel like shit thinking you are somehow to blame. i like doris days song, que sera sera whatever will be will be. you are a good person catherine and you deserve good to happen in your life, sending you a big hug from tasmania xxx anne

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  3. Sending so much love Catherine. Wishing this for you so much. Be kind to you and try to keep believing xxxx

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  4. Catherine, people generally talk utter shite when they offer up these words of wisdom. Makes me so bloody mad.
    FWIW I'm here hoping for you and that third child. x

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  5. I've hear and told myself some of the reasons on your list for why we have not been able to concieve another child after Liam. And after 2 years of failed TTC, I've shut the list, closed it down and silenced all stupid comments. I just can't get pregnant.... the end. Not because my heart is not open or because the I need to gain weight. Stupid comments are not helpful and it would be so nice if people could just offer support and not their ridiculous reasons for cursed infertility.

    I'm sorry you dealing with the struggles of infertility. It sucks. It's not easy.

    (((((hugs))))

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  6. *hugs* Thinking of you....wishing the best for you.

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  7. dang...people are hard on you, aren't they!

    you know this...but don't listen to any of that shit. you know how babies get made. a sperm meets an egg. whether it's inside you, or inside a petri dish, that is all there is.

    there is no wanting it enough, wanting it too much, not wanting it, grieving, babying, drinking, etc. that is bullshit.

    i'm so with you on the "should we go further" part. when our time comes. i do think, for me, it was so helpful emotionally to have that (mostly) "normal" pregnancy that came after. it did repair some damage, and it repaired it in ways that nothing else could have. and it helps that you do want a third child, a living sibling for jessica.

    so...that's my 10 cents worth. thanks for your nice words over at my place, too. you write so beautifully and so REAL-ly that praise from you truly is high.

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  8. We tried for Freddie, in a whirl of recrimination and doubt and angst, for 8 months longer than any of our others.

    I only got pregnant when I decided to stop trying. Obviously. And then spent half the pregnancy wondering if it had been a mistake.

    Heigh ho.

    Leather sounds good - shall we go shopping? ;)

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  9. People have really said all those things to you?!? I am aghast. Honestly and completely disgusted that anyone would ever say those things.

    What a slap in the face to you, or to anyone who has ever had a child die, and/or anyone who has ever had fertility problems to contend with.

    Whether or not they understood how mean their comments were...it is just shameful. Shameful and self-righteous.

    I had to come out of anonymous blog-reader status to say that.

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  10. UGH to everyone of those unasked for "reasons." All people grasping and trying to "know" and show you they "know" so THEY feel better, superior, or don't have to feel even an echo of your pain. To them I say, "stop offering advice. Offer compassion instead."

    As for "it's about you." My take is "IT IS" and THAT'S how it should be. Wanting a child is about you loving and nurturing and needing to tend to someone else more than yourself. I think motherhood is selfish and selfless at the same time. Please, be gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up for what many take for granted. Sending ((((hugs)))) and hopes that your wants become reality. You deserve it.

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  11. It still amazes me the things that some people say. I mean, do they even think for one second before these awful words come out of their mouths?? I think not.

    Who knows why things happen or not? I certainly don't.

    I too wish for another child. So very, very much. But I'm much too scared to do more than think about it.

    ((hugs)) Catherine.

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  12. you need some better friends.

    jesus. if anyone tried some of those with me they would have freshly ripped new ones. whoever said that thing about your skin being grey, unless they have a diagnosable mental illness, that is unforgivable.

    and if any of the people who said those things were family, then OHMYGOD that's even worse.

    i can't even manage to say anything reassuring right now. i'm fuming mad that ANYONE thinks that those are appropriate things to say.

    sending hugs and wine. (not that i think you need it to conceive, just that i think you need it to help not commit murder if people are saying that kind of thing to you.)
    xxx

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  13. i, too, hope against hope that i will someday hold my third child. the one who could prove that my body isn't a failure, that i love well enough and am healthy enough to carry a baby to term. i want so much to be one of the glowing, round bellied mamas shopping at the mall or the food store. my fear is that i will never know these things, and that if i do, i am placing too much on that little third's shoulders. my little third baby shouldn't have to come into this world in order to heal a broken mama. its just not fair to this phantom, wished for child. but i'll tell you one thing, if i do have that child, oh will she ever heal me. not fully, but almost. that i know for sure.
    wishing for you
    xoxo
    lis

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  14. It is hard not to wonder all of those things. Our minds seem to take us to that place. I am hopeful for you and wishing you the best. Sending you LOTS of LOVE!!

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  15. Oh Catherine,

    I am so, so, so sorry anyone would utter such inanities anywhere near you. Stupid people.

    And you are perfectly entitled to shout "not fair". Infertility is not fair. Baby death and prematurity are not fair. It's not hubris to say so, it's fact.

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  16. I'll never understand why it is so easy for some and not for others. We all talk about what is fair and what is not. Who is deserving and who is not. But this is not fair. You ARE so deserving of this new joy in your life.
    I wish it wasn't so damn hard for you. I wish I had answers.
    I'm here supporting you all the way.
    xo

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  17. Oh Catherine, I do so hope you shall have that precious third child. And until then I will happily put the jackasses who have made these comments to you in their places if you give me their addresses :) People do really say the stupidest crap.

    Hugs,

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  18. oh my lord almighty, who are these people who are saying these things to you?? like you don't have enough to worry about... none of these things are reasons - they are rationalizations. no one wants to admit that we humans have approximately zero control over this process of creating life.

    i am likely nearing the end of the fertility line myself, due to lack of funds and a lack of being willing to put myself through certain things. we'll probably know by the end of the year. so email me anytime if you feel like venting..

    do they dole out clomid where you are? some docs here in the US just hand it out to patients willy nilly without full evaluations. and without insurance its something like $30 a cycle. i don't know NHS's policies on this but maybe you could find a doctor who is fond of dispensing this stuff? i know - this is terrible medical advice. but it is the cheapest route i can think of and one i may end up taking myself. xo

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  19. Oh, Catherine... ((hugs))

    Please be so gentle on yourself. You are good and beautiful and deserve everything wonderful. Those reasons do not make sense, no reasons make sense.

    Thinking of you. xo

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  20. I stomp down my foot and yell "It's unfair".
    Unfair what happened to Georgina,
    unfair it hasn't worked with the 3rd child so far,
    unfair what people offer as "assvice" (if not to say utter ridiculous ignorant shit!).

    Crossing my fingers and wishing for you!

    (((HUG)))

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  21. I can't believe people actually say those things to you! (But I love your responses!!) I hope it happens for you soon. You deserve to have a completely uneventful, full tern pregnancy.

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  22. Putting aside the ridiculous advice/questions you've gotten from "helpful" folks so far, I hope you're eventually able to get some useful information about your reproductive health and potential.

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  23. Thank you all. I felt so bereft when I wrote this and I almost didn't publish it because it seemed such a stupid little post. I'm glad I did though. I feel that you are all so kind to me here, something which is, on occasion, a little lacking in my real life.

    Jenni - I'm not sure about Clomid tbh. My doctor has told us to keep trying for another year and then he might do some further tests. It is certainly something I've tentatively investigated.

    Lis - wishing for you too. So much.

    B - Ha ha, yes it WAS a family member. However did you know?!

    Amy - I think I need to shut my own list and I admire you for managing to close the book on yours.

    Oh Merry. Sigh. I can just see us, two grieving mothers out on our leather buying expedition! At least that's made me smile :)

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  24. It's kind of horrible how willing people are to give advice (very often in commonplaces and cliches) about fertility and pregnancy, but there are some real doozies on this list. I hate it that you have to deal with hearing this.

    And it's not fair, at all.

    Sending love,

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  25. Hang in there. Unfortunately people can't seem to help their stupid comments. I had a neighbor greet me getting out of the car from having the twins, with the comment, at least you have one. Yeah, that helped. My youngest in the morgue, my other fighting for his life in nicu on a ventilator. Coming home from having babies with no babies. Yup, people say stupid things. I am learning to ignore the stupid things that come out of other peoples mouths. We were told we couldn't concieve. Yet as you know in my recent posts Logen is now a big brother. I don't have a magic recipe, but I know that it can and will happen. It's okay to be angry and hurt and all of the million emotions that you have, but know that there isn't a personal fault to assign. I don't know why it took so long after Cole and Logen, but I believe that I love this little girl just as much, I still greive Logen just as much, I still am unbelievably grateful for Cole surviving the wholed ordeal of being born. With much hope for you that it will happen. leanne

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  26. Gah, some people are so rude! So sorry you had to hear these nasty things, but glad to hear you are feeling a bit better about it.

    There is no fairness in the baby-making game - but I'm wishing you all good things and hoping your third makes her/his journey towards you soon. xxxh

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  27. oh Catherine, my friend.....
    wishing this journey was not so difficult for you. Wishing people had not said such foolish and heartless things to you. Wishing and wishing so much more for you.

    Rant and rave anytime my lovely- after all- how else can we best support those we love if we know not what is in their hearts?!

    sending loads of love xxxxxx

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  28. so much love your way... so much. I dont think its crazy at all to want a third child... I dont think that is nuts one bit...

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  29. People are...idiots, to put it nicely. I hope you told them to shut the hell up. It isn't fair, it's not right, and you don't need that crap on top of it.

    Hugs...

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  30. I am officially sending a virtual ass-kicking to the idiots that have said all of those things to you.

    I know I don't know you in real life (even though it feels like I do), but what I do "know" of you is that you are one of the kindest people I know. I wish that was enough to end up with all that you want in life. I wish there was a magic button to press and things would be different - I would press it for you in a heartbeat.

    Sending love...

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  31. Oh Catherine, I have an idea how you feel, as I also live in a world where ppl say the wrong, and sometimes just plain cruel, thing. And I too want another child. Unfortunately, I have experience with this want from before I had my first child, and I know only 1 thing can make it better. And sometimes there just is no reason that can be determined. Just as there is no reason for the loss of our babies. I'm so sorry you're in pain. I also feel having another child will make me feel a little better, not my sole reason for wanting another, but one of them. And I feel guilty about that at times.
    I hope your wish comes true, soon. Sending hugs.

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