Saturday 30 October 2010

Thirty posts by January

I'm now aiming to have my thirty posts written by January as progress around here is pitifully slow! Despite my good intentions, my posts are always far too long.

I haven't managed to sort out the situation with Jessica's nursery yet and this is filling me with gloom. I have asked for a meeting with her key worker and I'm hoping to get to the bottom of the issues (his issues and Jessica's) but I'll have to wait until next week. Thank you for much for all your lovely comments, every single one really, really helped. By the time I sat down to write that post last week, I felt utterly hopeless but I felt better and better with every single word of advice. Thank you. 

I left that nursery feeling like the worst mother in the world. Not only had I let Jessica down by having her too early, causing her to go through all that pain and (possibly) to have some of these developmental problems in the first place, causing her sister to die and well . . . many things related to her early life fill me with guilt BUT I was also raising her to be a brat and a bully. This sent me into a spiral of doom, pondering whether I should even be attempting to have another baby when I obviously can't bring the one that I do have up properly. And then, in one of those horrible coincidences that life hands us every once in a while, I came home to find I was bleeding and possibly wouldn't have to worry about having another baby much longer.

I'm still not entirely sure if I do or don't have to worry on that score. I'm more hopeful than last week but I will just have to wait until my first 'official' scan at around 12 weeks. Hopefully next week.

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now

This photograph was taken in  . . . . ummm, 2002? Which makes it not quite ten years old but I wanted to use it because it was taken at a Halloween party which make this photograph nearly exactly eight years old today. 

I've had to crop it as I've obviously got people sitting on either side of me and I don't know that they would like to feature on my blog so excuse the skinniness. Although perhaps it will make me look thinner? The me of eight years ago would have approved of that.

It makes me feel grateful. That I lived a long life, a whole life really, of twenty nine years without a crushing blow. Not a single one. Damn lucky. And in this photograph, I've still got a good six or seven years to go. 
If I could have given, somehow, the rest of my life to Georgina, I would have done it in a heartbeat. Because I'd really had enough already, a fair crack of the whip. She could have had nearly the same, assuming that I'll make sixty. Half and half, mother and daughter, seems fair to me. If only life could be so simple and I could go about donating hours and weeks of my life to others. 

I was happy in this photograph. The slight blur of grey shoulder to my left belongs to a man I thought I loved dearly. Sadly, he was not quite so impressed by me. But I hadn't figured that out yet, eight years ago.  I think you can see in that in my smile.

The arm to my left belongs to my beautiful friend M. We are still friends now, eight years later, although when this photograph was taken we had only just met. She has certainly been a good friend and I'm lucky to know her. 

And it makes me feel wistful. For the girl I was and for my beautiful girl. She won't ever breathe in that cold English night air, burning her lungs. She won’t walk to a party with friends and a man she thinks she loves. Or feel beautiful even if she is just a plain girl, beautiful for a couple of hours and boosted by a few beers. 

Oh I just wish . . .I could give her a little of what I had and accepted so lightly, so ungratefully and ungraciously.

It's such a beautiful world
You're such a beautiful girl
So much that you want to try
The world wants to sleep with you tonight
But Minnie
Minnie if I could I would give you the rest of my life


12 comments:

  1. ive been thinking of you a bunch lately. just know that. i taught nursery school for 6 years and i have never heard a teacher of staff member speak to a parent like that. i may have said things behind their backs, but my goal as an educator was to take what i was given and make something better of it. as a teacher of very young children you have to expect that despite the intentions of even the most adept parents, that children will be just that. they do not know the ways of our world and it is our job to teach them. there is a difference between the way we act when we are out in the world and the way we act when we are at home with our parents. every child needs to learn this, and the onus is on the educator to set standards and guidelines for children's behavior. i am appalled and i hope that your dear Jessica did not hear anyone speak ill of her. if i were you i would go in not only ready to speak for your child, but also to demand more respect for her. i can truly say that the children who were the hardest to deal with in the classroom are the ones who made me the amazing teacher that i was. but, it was only because i was open to changing myreactions to their behavior. it was never the other way around.
    hope that helps and i hope you are well
    xoxo
    lis

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  2. I'm woefully behind on my blog reading, so missed your earlier posts about pregnancy (so many hopeful prayers for you!) and Jessica's nursery school.

    From everything I've seen at C's school, what J's teacher said of her behavior is totally typical behavior of the 2 year old age group. Hitting, biting, testing boundaries with defiance - all very very normal...and all the kinds of stuff we go through with C as well. Be patient with yourself my dear, you are doing a great job parenting sweet Jessica.

    Lis has given you some really god words - the teacher really handled it poorly, and sounds ill-equipped for the job he's in.

    so much love to you...xoxo

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  3. Catherine!! Wow - how did I miss your great news!? I'm so happy for you (re having another on the way of course!) and I wish you a sticky and smooth journey! I hate that the universe has to send us those bumpy bits like the site of red! No fair :/ But I am glad that everything is looking good at this point... will be thinking of you!

    I hope too that you're able to get Jessica's nursery 'issues' sorted with a minimum of stress (for you both!).

    Look after yourself x

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  4. Oh - don't apologise for the long posts - they are good all the way through. Love the photo - and yes, I feel the same kind of nostalgia for the innocent person I was in those old photos. Sounds like it has been a rough week. Wishing you an extra good week on both the Jessica / nursery school front and the pregnancy xxxxh

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  5. those pictures of us from "before" are always so haunting.

    i'll be thinking of you, jessica and her nursery school, and of course your little growing bean inside.

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  6. I am really far behind on reading but wanted to say that I am so very happy for you! I truly hope that this is a smooth 40 week pregnancy and that you are able to post pictures of an enormous baby belly :)

    As for doubting parenting, I think you are doing a wonderful job. I'm no expert but I have spent many many hours photographing children (over 5 years actually) and have seen all of the behaviors that Jessica is showing right now. If I had a dollar for every time a child tried to hit me or another child in the photograph or even their own parents I would be rich!! I think it is normal and she is really just exploring her world and the people around her - just kind of testing the water.

    Sending you lots and lots of love...

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  7. you do realise that none of that was your fault, right????? you were just extremely unlucky. you didn't choose for any of that to happen.

    thinking of you hon.

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  8. Wow. How many times have I thought those exact same things? I would split the difference of my life in a heartbeat if it meant that George would be able to experience some of the lovely things there are in the world. If only that were possible...

    I really hope that you and Jessica's nursery worker will be able to figure out what is going on. I really think it may be just some issues with communication. Honestly, what two year old isn't on occasion obstinate? It is natural for them to test their boundaries. Part of growing up and all that...

    I'm hoping that at your 12 week scan you get very reassuring news.

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  9. I am thinking of you Catherine...

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  10. I'm arriving late but I wanted to send you lots of luck and positive vibes for your pregnancy and for the nursery situation. I hope everything gets back on track for you.

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  11. It's always so hard looking at old photos of yourself innocent to the tragic future that awaits the old you.
    Hope you sort things out about the nursery with Jessica. Sounds like a classic case of "terrible twos" to me though ie totally normal.
    Keeping everything crossed for you on the pregnancy front, take it easy xxx

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  12. I'm not making light of your post, but Catherine!
    You look like you're in a G@P ad!
    Simpley georgeous!
    :)
    Thinking of you.

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