Friday 30 October 2009

And for my next trick . . . another vanishing act

When I returned to work two weeks ago, I was pregnant.
Not very.
8 weeks.
But I'm not anymore.
There was no heartbeat on the early scan.

It was strange to be in an environment where my previous pregnancy is considered a lengthy and successful one. But I suppose it was in the only way that truly matters, in that it resulted in one living child.

I could hear the woman in the next room sobbing her heart out. I felt so sad for her. It reminded me of the crying I used to hear in the NICU from time to time.

I didn't cry. When the doctor told me that there was no sign of a viable pregnancy, that my uterus contained only a sac, it felt strangely right. This is how my pregnancies seem to end. Abruptly.

I suspect he may have found me somewhat cold.

I don't know what to do anymore. Perhaps there is something wrong with my body?

I felt so hopeful. Now I just feel foolish and greedy. For wanting more. I already have more than enough, far more than I deserve. I have my two beautiful daughters. It felt like a betrayal, to want another.

And what I really want is my previous pregnancy back. To make it different. To give birth to my two beautiful daughters healthy and screaming. Not fragile and muffled and close to death.

I want to undo all those memories, unravel them, unknit them. Take them away from my sister, my husband, my parents. They should never have been there, they should never have had to see my girls. It was all my fault, this body that can't seem to do anything as it is supposed to.

There, at the swirling epicentre of disaster, is always me. The centre of attention. Ashamed and embarrassed of my inability to do any of this.

And how would I feel if I ever was to have a healthy pregnancy that went to term and resulted in a living child?
What if I was the woman with balloons and flowers and a crying newborn on her chest?
What if my husband was the man 'wetting the baby's head' in the pub with his brother?
What if my parents and my sister were the smiling, doting grandparents and aunt?

Perhaps then I would know precisely what I missed out on?
Maybe that would just make this situation even more unbearable.
Maybe that person just isn't me. Won't ever be me.
Maybe. Who knows.

38 comments:

  1. I am so sorry Catherine.

    There is no betrayal in wanting another child and none of it is your fault.

    Wishing gentle days for you.

    xxx

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  2. Catherine I'm just so sorry. Sometimes, there really are no words. It is so cruel you have had to go through this.
    Sending you all my love.
    xo

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  3. I'm so sorry Catherine.
    I wish so very much this was different for you.
    Sending my love
    xxxxx

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  4. I don't know what to say Catherine. Sorry doesn't seem adequate for such disappointment and suffering all these feelings. It's not fair. I hope you can take it easy over the weekend. Lots of love from wayyyy over here.

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  5. I am so sorry Catherine ..your post made want all the things you don't have and I don't have ...it really is sa.d

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  6. I'm sorry Catherine.

    You are not greedy to want another.

    Thinking of you with love.

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear Catherine :(

    x

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  8. Catherine, I'm so sorry. Sending big love and hugs to you.

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  9. I'm so very sorry, Catherine. This is stupidly, awfully hard. I wish things were different. Sending love.

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  10. Oh Catherine, I'm so sorry.

    I can relate all to well to the feelings of embarassment and shame, and wondering why everyone else can seem to so effortlessly bring living breathing babies into the world and I can't.

    I can hate myself, but it hurts to "hear" you being so hard on yourself. It isn't you. It just is. And it isn't only you. There are so, so many of us.

    Sending you all my love. xoxoxo

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  11. I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I don't think you are cold at all.

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  12. Oh Catherine I am so terribly sorry. My early loss after losing my girls really put things into a different perspective for me. It solidified what I really do want is my girls back. However, nothing I do will ever change the fact that they are gone. That reality is hard to live with. I now feel that it is very difficult to get excited (or hopeful) about another pregnancy, but it is something I still want. You are not selfish or greedy, you are simply a mommy who wants more. Try not to give up hope...I know it is hard, but try. Sending you lots of love my friend. xx

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  13. I am so very sorry Catherine. I wish that there was something else to say because sorry just doesn't quite cover it but I am truly sorry.

    You are not foolish or greedy at all.

    Sending you much love...

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  14. Oh Catherine, I'm so sorry you've had yet another loss. Hugging you

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  15. Oh Catherine, I'm sorry for this additional heartache upon the heartache. It doesn't seem right that loss should be something that one gets used to or expects. Courage to you,
    Ruth

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  16. Catherine, I'm so very sorry. I don't think it's foolish or greedy to want to bring life into the world, to love and nurture that life.
    I wish things were different I really do.x

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  17. oh no. oh no. oh no :( that is all i am thinking. my heart just broke... AGAIN. how long have you known you were pregnant? im terribly sorry. i feel just like you, i just cant do this right at all can i.. stupid, worthless body, not skilled at the baby making business. hm well no, i did just fine at making two babies. i just dont see them here. ive looked everywhere. they are gone. one of them was JUST HERE 3 months ago. i dont know what ive done with her. i think she might be gone forever.

    i talked about you tonight. i talk about so many of you IRL. but my friend told me that her huband's cousin had little boy twins and lost one at 34 weeks, so they had to deliver them both, and the surviving one probably has CP :,( her heart is broken, she said, she tries so hard to take care of the little baby (and her 4 year old) but she is so, so sad for the one she lost. it reminded me so much of you. i know you are so sad for georgina and so sad for all jessica has gone through and that you feel so guilty for it all.

    love to you, catherine. i have never wanted to hug and cry with another mommy so much as i do with you right now.

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  18. So sorry to hear your bad news. Not sure why the universe likes to heap this type of stuff on.

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  19. I am just so sorry, Catherine. So cruel. So so...my heart is with you.

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  20. oh my dear friend.....I'm so sorry.
    Wishing there wasn't so many miles between us so we could share over lots of cuppas.
    I'm so glad I happened to check in...my heart is broken again for you. loving you and wishing some better days your way. xxxxxx\

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  21. Oh, no, Catherine :( Oh, no. This is awful. I would guess I would have reacted the same way as you. I wish both your girls were here. I wish it would have happened the way it was supposed.
    I'm so sorry. :(

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  22. I am so sorry. You're not greedy, but I understand the guilt. I'm just so sorry...

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  23. Catherine, I have two living children and I still want more babies, more lovely, precious children to snuggle - it's not greedy to have so much love to give. I know I felt cold when the midwife confirmed my miscarriage (before Emma). It's a protection mechanism I think. And I know the loss I had after Emma (an extremely early one), I almost felt guilty because it was Emma I was grieving and the lost opportunity and the faith I had in my body to get it right.

    Catherine, I am so very, very sorry that your new pregnancy ended like this. It isn't right that we don't get a promise of a full term, living baby after losses like ours. Please be gentle on yourself as you grieve anew and physically heal. With so much love.

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  24. I'm sorry, my lovely. It's so unfair. x

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  25. Catherine, I'm so so very sorry.

    Sending you so much love across the miles...xoxo

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  26. I can only echo all the others have said already. The cruelness, the injustice, I can't take it all in sometimes.
    You are not greedy to want another, we all feel that desperation. I understand the anger at your body, the bitterness and frustration. And also your fears that maybe there is something wrong? My own worries are there in your words. After 3 losses I feel like I am doomed on a childless path forever. But it's not us, it just is 'life' so I am told. And we have to believe that and keep marching on, keep chasing the egg.
    Sending you so much love,

    xxxx

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  27. Oh, no, Catherine. More loss.

    I am so sorry.

    I hate that resigned feeling--the Of Course. How we come to expect the worst because it's what we know. And what others might see as outer chill is such a complicated churning inside of confusion and guilt and loss.

    Be kind to yourself as you recover. My heart is with you.

    C

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  28. I'm so sorry for another huge dissapointment and for all of the ugly feelings you are having to endure. None of this is fair, and none of it is your fault. I beg for a new baby every day. I beg for a do-over. Every one of us has, or will at some point. Be easy on yourself. I hope you find some moments of peace. Keep breathing.

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  29. Oh, Catherine. I'm so sorry. I too, can relate to so much of what you say here. I feel the guilt and anger at my body and also feel greedy for wanting another child and another uncomplicated, full term pregnancy. You are not alone, and you are not greedy or foolish. Another living baby and a normal, full term pregnancy are not too much to ask for. There is no shame in that - only love. Love and a perfectly human longing to experience that which a mother's body is supposed to do, what comes so easily to so many mothers. And you already know the bittersweetness of having a living child to show you exactly what you are missing in the one who died. I also often relate to what you write about raising Jessica even though my living child is the older sibling to my dead one and my pregnancy with him was full term and uncomplicated.

    Sorry to ramble on so long - this post just makes me ache for you. Sending you big hugs, wishes of peace and light, and so much love.

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  30. I am so sorry, Catherine.
    Sending you much love and healing.

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  31. dearest catherine, i am so so sorry. you deserve no more heartbreak. and you absolutely deserve to fearlessly want what you want. i'm so sorry for your loss. hugs to you. xo

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  32. I understand. Everything you said. (As best as I can, of course). And I can say nothing more than I am so, so incredibly sorry.

    Much love,
    B

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  33. Oh Catherine! My heart goes out to you...I am so very sorry.

    I don't know what else to say. I'm thinking of you and wishing you strength, comfort, and peace but I'm thinking they're probably eluding you.

    Many, many hugs.

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  34. Catherine,

    I saw this post just now and I am sorry I wasn't there when you first posted it. I am so sorry. You need to know that you deserve happiness. You are not selfish for desiring that. You deserve happiness.

    Peace, my friend.

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  35. Oh my, this is just too unfair. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

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  36. Thinking of you and your angels.

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  37. oh sweetheart, i am so behind on my blogs and i know this comes very late, but i am so very sorry for this loss. you very much deserve another baby, there is nothing greedy or foolish in wanting that.
    much love to you, christy

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