Well, as you can probably tell from the trail of rambling comments I tend to leave in my wake, going back to work didn't really have much impact on my time here in blog world. I've been doing a bit of reading in the dead of night, when I can't sleep, and I'm writing this whilst I am waiting for my mom to arrive and take Jessica for the day.
Going back to work has been . . . peculiar. I sometimes feel as though nothing ever happened, that I was never pregnant, that I never gave birth to my two beautiful daughters. As though my life just chugged along and I never took this mad swerve off to a world of NICUs, ventilators, human beings who weigh less than two pounds and babies dying in front of me. Including my own daughter. All of it seems too implausible when placed alongside the world of desks and telephone extensions and neat little spreadsheets of figures. It feel as if only one could possibly be real, that they couldn't possibly co-exist. One must surely be make-believe. Surely.
One of the things I find most disconcerting is the vanishing of Georgina. Before I fell pregnant with twins, I didn't understand how much attention pregnancy in general seems to attract. When I announced I was expecting twins, everyone who works with me seemed interested. Or perhaps just out of politeness. Who knows?
Quite a few people who I had never really spoken to before asked a number of questions. Had I undertaken fertility treatments? Did twins run in the family? One that came up surprisingly frequently was had I done anything special to conceive twins? Like eating certain foods. I didn't even know that people would actively seek to conceive twins. I thought it just happened. Or it didn't.
But now, nobody ever mentions the fact that I had twins. That I had two daughters. That I have two daughters. Some people kindly ask after Jessica. Some with a kind of idle curiosity, just how much did she weigh again?
Not one soul has breathed a single word about Georgina. Not even a sorry.
I like it that way. But, at the same time, I don't like it that way.
No pleasing me eh?
The only thing that would please us lost baby moms would be to get our babies back - healthy and complete babies. That can't happen, so we are never pleased.
ReplyDeleteOh Catherine, I didn't work before Emma so my nearest equivalent is the school pick up - I understand the ambivalence of wanting people to ask but internally hoping they don't. It comes from wanting people to know they were REAL, perfect little people but knowing the memories we have of them are too fragile and precious to be shared with just anyone.
ReplyDeleteI returned to work 8 weeks after Maya died and only one person (other than my former boss who lost his first child at around 20 weeks - he called me the day after she died) ever even mentioned the fact that she was sorry for my loss. All the people that were so excited and happy for me just acted like she never happened. Business as usual I guess.
ReplyDeleteNow that I am unemployed and looking for a job, I am terrified to find one and have to meet new coworkers. The question of children will inevitably come up in conversation, it always does...
I remember this feeling. When I went back to work I felt like I wanted everyone to know everything and no one to know anything about my daughters. It was hard to strike a balance between the two...it still is.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry your sweet Georgina is not here. People simply do not know what to say, so they say nothing which sometimes hurts us even more. I am glad your transition back to work hasn't been too bad. I am also glad to see your presence on our blogs has not diminished. Thinking of you and both your girls. xx
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are in this place. You describe that feeling of and/both so well. It's not either/or anymore for us. It's not "I like it" or "I don't like it." It's, I like and don't like it. UGH. We live with contradiction and it's so hard. ((((hugs))))
ReplyDeleteI totally get it Catherine. I get weird looks all the time if I mention "the twins" and it seems as if because Calvin isn't here anymore that I shouldn't aknowledge him anymore...yeah right. I can't not acknowledge him. Georgia will always be a twin as will Jessica, to not mention their twins because they happened to have died is like pretending they weren't here in the first place. With people who are merely acquaintences I don't mind not bringing up Calvin, but if it's a true friend or family, I don't want to see them wince when I bring up my son. Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteWhat's wrong with this world? Silence? Wince?
ReplyDeleteOh, Catherine, now I've written a lot of words and deleted and written and deleted again. I'm going to have to think about this a little bit more. But in the mean time
Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina, and I'll say her name again and again and again. For she has not vanished.
Big hug to you
xx Ines
Catherine, I completely identify with that ambivalence.
ReplyDeleteAnd this 'polite' stuff. It's so very British! But it doesn't make life very easy when you've experienced something that cannot be described in 'afternoon tea' terms.
Thinking of you a lot at the moment. Looking forward to seeing you and J. Remembering G always. xxx
The kind part of me who wants to believe people mean well wants to think that people don't want to make you cry if they ask about or say they're sorry for the loss of your beautiful Georgina. Some of them, the more jaded side of me reasons, are probably thinking more of the discomfort to themselves of asking such a question. Big sigh. Thinking of you and both your girls. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeletei hear ya all the way. some people dont even mention a thing. it's just "hey beth." umm. how hard is it to say "im so sorry for what happened." do yo think you're reminding me or something? trust me, i havent forgotten. but im hard to please too. i dont want people making a fuss over me. but, i think i kind of deserve to be fussed over, right? my newborn baby died, after all. not that i want to break down in the middle of the nurse's station (yea, did that once). but how could you just be moving about?! dont you know a baby has died?! and everyone talks about their children. i wanna talk about mine too. the fact that she died doesnt change that.
ReplyDeleteand dont you realize we work on pediatrics?! any of these babies could die right now! my baby was 100% healthy and she died. these babies are SICK! if a healthy baby died... these sick ones are doomed! no one is safe!
it's exhausting.
Going back to work was good and bad for me. Nice to have a distraction, but pissed me off when people said things such as "welcome back" as if I'd been on a vacation or something.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry someone could ask about Jessica's birth weight but couldn't talk about Georgina. That just makes me so sad. xo
I get it Catherine. I hear you. Even though we lost the Batsman's twin early in the pregnancy, in my heart the Batsman will always be a twin and when he is grown we will tell him about it. But no-one ever mentions it....no-one ever acknowledges that i was pregnant with twins and then all of a sudden there was only one little heart beating. So sometimes i do mention it and remind people...when i feel brave, but that's not all the time! I am sorry that you don't get the acknowledgement of the lives of both of your girls. I feel like at times there is something so desperately wrong with "the human condition" in our society that people are unable to address this stuff. It puzzles, pains and disturbs me it really does. I wrote a little story for the Batsman that i can read him about his twin when he is old enough.It felt good to do that. Much love to you and thinking of jessica and georgina xxx
ReplyDelete