Wednesday 30 December 2009

Spoilt

Over the holidays I had a couple of more or less amicable discussions with various members of my family about my parenting of Jessica.

Most of these went something along the lines of . . .
'you let her walk all over you'
'you spoil that child'
'you are making a rod for your own back'
'she has to learn . . '

I honestly don't know how to respond.
Personally, I don't think you can spoil a child as young as Jessica.
She only asks for what she needs. Nothing more.

They don't understand that when I look at Jessica, a part of me still sees a child who looks like this.

Edited to say that ventilator noises and alarms are audible in the soundtrack of this video.

Part of me is still that person in the video.
That shell-shocked woman. Part of me will always be her.

Obviously, I understand that Jessica doesn't look like this anymore.
She isn't ill.
She isn't likely to die.
Well, no more likely than any of us in reasonable health are at any given moment.

But when I look at my daughter, I see a composite image.

A sturdy one year old with a ready smile.

Jessica's fragile, delicate body. Weighing less than two pounds.
Her dusky colour as yet another vain attempt was made to abandon the ventilator.
Her chest falling still. No rise and fall. The tiny ribs motionless.

Georgina's puffy hands and chest. Vibrating with the motion of the oscillator.
Her skin splitting as the fluid accumulated.
Her last breath.

All of these blur my vision when it comes to being Jessica's mother.
A kaleidoscope of images, falling down one on top of another.

I know that I am probably doing it all wrong.
Perhaps I am raising a spoilt brat? I really have no idea any more.
I've never done this before. This being a mother.
I can only muddle through as best I can with this experience of death, life and the bits in between.
This is how it happened to me.
Not like it usually happens but I'm far from the only one.
As my husband keeps insisting this IS normal.
Hmmmm.

I messed up the first bit pretty damn well so perhaps I'm horribly overcompensating for that in all the wrong ways?

It is no surprise to me that I bought Jessica enough presents for two, that she has enough clothes for two, that I fuss over her enough for two. I do all of these things for myself.
Not for her.
She doesn't want presents.
She doesn't ask for toys.
She doesn't care if she has a fancy outfit on or a plain vest.
But it is all I can do. I feel so helpless.
Battering away against things that I can't change for her.
I can't unwind the past. I can't fix it.

Whenever I am exhausted or fed up, those images start to interpose themselves and suddenly . . I simply can't.
I can't ignore her cries.
I can't deny her a cuddle. It will be all too soon and she won't want her mother's hugs.
I can't be the sort of mother they seem to expect me to be.
They were there too. My family. Have they forgotten?

Not my little sister.  Who made these.














But the sight of that stocking, all on its own.
That tiny, tiny pink stocking.
I wish I could have unglued it and pegged it next to the others.
I wish that, by that action, I could change reality.
That, by moving that cardboard cut-out stocking, I could conjure my daughter back into being.

I missed her this Christmas.
More than I thought I would.
I missed my Georgina.
Some things seem to change.
But not that.
Not the missing of her.
That seems to have become part of me, an extraneous limb that flails around uselessly.
Valiantly, steadfastly it waves about.
But to no real purpose.
Missing Georgina.


How about you?
Did the death(s) of your child or children change the way you feel about parenting your living children?
Do you (or do you imagine that you would, or will in the future, or might have in some hypothetical world where things worked out) do things differently now? In the after?

33 comments:

  1. Missing her with you. And I also got told I was spoiling Angus this Chrismtas, by my less than helpful grandmother. He's just six weeks old! People are idiots. My grandmother included.
    Your video of Jessica was so touching. Thanks so much for sharing. You could never, ever spoil that girl.
    xo

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  2. It just makes me heartsick to read this. Everyone needs to understand that you can't spoil a child with love. Maybe she does have to learn but you don't have to be the one to teach her.

    Thank you for sharing the video. Perhaps it should be required viewing for anyone who cares to criticize your parenting skills. To be so calm amidst the monitors with such a tiny baby is just amazing!

    Best wishes for the New Year. Give Jessica a big hug and some ice cream for me and tell your 'advisors' to get stuffed.

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  3. Oh I can't imagine. Or I can totally imagine, I don't know. Call it a self fulfiling prohpecy if you want, but I've told B before that, should our child struggle at the beginning, he can just go ahead and plan on that affect my parenting of him. How does it not? Or maybe I'll parent differently regardless, just as a result of losing his brother and sister? Who knows.

    Regardless, I'm sorry people are making you feel bad. It's obvious that you're doing a wonderful job with Jessica and, more importantly, that you're doing the very best you can.

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  4. Those people need a slap upside the head. Loving a child is not the same as spoiling her. I have seen you in action and you are great with her. GREAT.

    People LOVE to judge others' parenting skills. I can't tell you the number of old ladies who have come up to me to tell me that my sling isn't safe, or that my daughter should be wearing a hat (you think? Is that why I'm carrying her discarded hat RIGHT NOW?) But you know what? If they saw someone doing something really horrible, if they saw a grown man lose his shit with a toddler, or a mum swear at her kids on the bus, I bet they wouldn't intervene then. It's so easy to criticise kind, loving parents because you know they're unlikely to punch you if you do.

    Now I know that these people are related to you, so it's not exactly the same scenario. But you'd think they'd use their incredible insight into human behaviour to work out how to talk to you about Georgina. You'd think they'd apply their expertise to their own relationships, no? How's it working out for them? I bet all of their kids are COMPLETELY issue-free, right?

    No, Catherine, you do it your way. I'd trust your instincts over just about anyone's.

    Whew. That was a rant. Sorry.

    As for my own parenting after loss... well some days I'm good at it, some days I completely suck. I don't know if I do things differently now. I kind of wish it had made me a better mother: more patient, more aware of what I have. I don't know.

    Your sister is wonderful, you are wonderful. That video. Amazing.

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  5. Catherine I was told by my therapist that I am too soft as a mother. That one of my shortcomings is that I can't seem to bring myself to WANT to deny my child anything she wants. I can't help that. I can't change into someone who WANTS to say NO, who WANTS to DENY, who WANTS to DISCIPLINE. My firstborn was nothing short of a miracle to me having miscarried five times in a row before having her. I almost lost her after her birth to the ignorance of a maternity nurse who didn't take me seriously when I told her my baby was turning blue. My child was so longed for, so loved, so appreciated when she came that I couldn't stop holding her, soothing her cries, giving in to the things that made her happy. While I do think I need to learn a bit of balance, I think that a bit of overindulgence, overprotectiveness and excessive attention may be far less harmful than neglect, denial and being uninvolved. Love Jessica how you want. Raise her how you want. Give her love for both her and Georgina, she is yours and nobody else has a right to question your parenting as long as that child is being loved. I get it Catherine, I so get it.

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  6. Oh Catherine

    I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your post and for the video.

    I have no idea about the parenting, all I know is theory. But I dare to voice my opinion, you are a good person, a kind person, an honest person, a person trying to be the best under the most terrible circumstances. And you are full of love and compassion, so much that you can share with the world and not hoard it.

    And I think and wish parents should/would give exactly those things to their children. If I was a child I would choose you as a mother.

    xxoo

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  7. No, I don't believe you can spoil a child that young. Not at all. Don't listen to that rubbish. I got told I was spoiling my baby when he was three weeks old... by going to him when he cried and picking him up! Idiots!

    Thankyou for sharing your video. You keep parenting your way. It's the only way that matters.

    I'm not sure how I parent differently though I know I do. In some ways I am infinitely more patient and in others I am not.

    xx

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  8. Catherine,
    I don't know a single thing about parenting whatsoever, but what I do know-even though I've never even met you-is that you are doing the very best that you can. And you know, what? How can you ask for more than that?
    You love your girls as best you can. You are an amazing mother even if you can't see it. Your family has NO idea what it's like to be you. NO idea.
    I know none of this helps, but I think that you are a great mother and like forwardtumble said, If I were a child, I would choose you as a mother, too.
    Love to you

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  9. Little Jessica is amazing! You are doing a wonderful job parenting her. Even if you are spoiling her (and I am not saying you are) she deserves it and you deserve to indulge her every want and need. The card your sister made is very sweet, but I too wish there were 4 on the bigger card and there was no need for the little one at all. xx

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  10. Parenting living children after loss, with loss, is very hard. People like to give advice based on what they experienced, so it may be that they are trying to help, but are not because they did not have your experience as a mother. Your experience inludes losing a baby and having another babe in the NICU. What a gift every life is...I too do not believe you can spoil a baby, its not really until kids are 8 maybe 9 that we should really worry about that, in my opinion. keep smiling, and go with what feels right.

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  11. the night my twins were born and died, when i said goodbye to them, i told them how their dad and i would have spoiled them. when she was in the womb, i promised naomi the same thing. if someone told me i was spoiling her, i would thank them, because that's the kind of mom i want to be. i too have a lot to make up for.

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  12. I think spoiling is letting a child do something that can harm them (physically, socially). Certainly NOT cuddling them.

    Love is all good.

    I always think that older folks deep down are jealous, because they couldn't love their kids the way they wanted to or didn't love them the way they see people doing it today, so they default back to "our way was better". well, society is a bit different now than in the 50s or the 70s.

    Whatever, I plan to not follow my family's "model"!

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  13. Catherine - I can totally empathize with this...parenting after loss is hard, really hard - and its probably been a very close second in the race of what has been hardest in this nearly year since losing Rose....(her dying is the first hardest thing of course...)

    Claire is struggling in school this last month - her regular teacher was gone and she's been acting out in a major way....at 3, when a child is acting out, the look to BAD parents as the reason, and so as if my shoulders weren't burdened enough by grief and guilt, it gets piled on further when I get a bad report from school - that just look how we've managed to screw up our little gal with the trials and tribulations of the last year. Her life would have been so different if Rose had lived....*sigh*. So yea, its tough, and I wish for all of us this wasn't the life that we or our children were living.

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  14. Ignore those people. You CANNOT spoil a child that young. You ARE NOT raising a brat. Not one bit.

    There will be time for everything else later. But she is this young only now. Hug her. Cuddle her. Respond. To everything. You are a good mom. You are doing a great job.

    My dad tells me I spoil them because we dont let them cry, because we hold them, because we bring them into bed with us in the mornings for family cuddle time.

    I think losing kids totally makes me feel like I cant take one second for granted... I refuse to let my living children cry or be sad or anything else if I can help it.

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  15. Everyone else beat me to it, you absolutely can not spoil a child with love. Follow your instincts and you can't go wrong.
    I don't know if loss has changed my parenting, I guess I worry more.x

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  16. I agree, you cannot spoil a child with love. It is so hard in this place of parenting in the midst of grief. It is exhausting business. Mothering. Grieving. Mothering again. Add criticism to the mix, and well, you lose your entire base of confidence.

    For me, I lost someone so precious that I look at my living daughter and want to scoop her up, wrap her in bubble wrap, and keep her on a low shelf. I am frequently paralyzed with fear over something happening to her. And I kiss her forehead constantly making sure she is still warm, even though she is running around playing dolls.

    Lucy's death absolutely changed everything about me, most acutely, it changed my mothering. I'm not sure I can label that a positive or a negative. It is just...different. And it is who I am now. Some days that means an abundance of patience, and other days, no patience. at. all. Some days an uncanny ability to play all day, and other days, not so much. I remind myself constantly that did I not only lose a daughter, but Bea lost a sister. And I cannot help but be wracked with guilt and sadness about that.

    xo

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  17. What a sweet video... So cute, so tiny - it's amazing! You are a great mom... if "giving lots of love" to your child is "spoiling", i'd love to spoil a kid one day, too.
    xx

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  18. I don't have any living children, but I can imagine if I was in your situation I would probably do a little more for your child.I think its a sense of appreciation.

    I wouldn't listen to your family that is telling you that you are spoiling your child. If they haven't been through loss, they have no idea how it feels to be appreciative of having a living child. *hugs* Thanks for the follow by the way!! I will be following you. :)

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  19. I have tears in my eyes watching that video. I am so happy you have a video to look at. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job parenting Jessica. Don't let anyone tell you different.

    I love the card your sister made. That was so sweet of her.

    Thinking of you!

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  20. The thing about parenting is that everyone assumes it's the easiest job in the world, that anyone could do it. Everyone's ideas are different to the next person and everyone thinks they are right.

    Except parents of babies who have died. How did I change after Emma? I questioned everything and particularly my parenting of my children. Suddenly everyone else' opinions were more valid than mine because, well, my baby died. How do you parent after loss? It is so hard to keep going, keep remembering that YOU are the best parent for that child. That YOU have a bond which no one else can understand.

    Keep going in the way you feel is right. Worry about discipline when you feel it is appropriate not when others tell you to.

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  21. You are a wonderful mother. Providing your child with a loving, safe environment is all that matters.

    Thanks for sharing the precious video.

    Hugs!

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  22. I love the cards your sister made.

    I don't know yet about parenting a living child, but what seems more important than ever to me is that we give any child of ours as much love and assurance of our love as possible. And I cannot see how showing affection or cuddling a child could equal spoiling. I don't think it's just my mad longing for all the cuddles I never got to have that makes me think that, either.

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  23. Thank you for sharing that video. The dinging of the monitors...I will never get that horrid sound out of my head.

    I'm sorry others comment on your parenting. Having not held Jessica's tiny, fragile body or experienced losing Georgina, I don't know how they feel qualified to judge. Trust your instincts, you know them best.

    xo

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  24. I can't say anything more profound than the words that everyone else has said to you but I wanted to honour you as Jessica's mother and as Georgina's mother. I believe you a good mother to both your girls and I'm sorry that some family members are causing you to question that.

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  25. I don't think you can spoil a child with love and cuddles - I think women from an earlier generation were brainwashed into believing that they had to rebel against their maternal instincts and bottlefeed instead of breastfeed - on schedules - and let babies sit and cry rather than love them. You're her mother and you need to do what your mothering instincts lead you to do. I'm sure that if we went through prisons in your country or mine the inmates were not given loads of cuddles and love and attention!!!! Thinking of you and sending you love into 2010.

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  26. Catherine,

    I get the impression that those who told you that you were spoiling Jessica weren't pointing out how many presents you give her, but how much you hold her and love her. We 'practice' attachment parenting with our babies and allow them to sleep with us until they choose otherwise. We never make them 'cry it out.' I just don't see the value in 'teaching' a baby that nobody will come to them if they need to be held.

    I suppose if one does buy a plethora of material goods for a baby, that leads to buying a plethora of material goods throughout that child's lifetime. I know I oftentimes need to ask myself if my child really needs an item or if I just want the item for my child. It's a slippery slope indeed.

    People will always criticize you for what do or do not do with or for your child. In my opinion, you can never give your child too much love or too much time.

    Peace, my friend.

    P.S. I'm unable to view the video, but I'll check back soon.

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  27. oh catherine.. shell shocked is right. you look so calm, but i bet your insides were at war. the love for your daughters is so apparent though. in writing, video, and photos.

    i agree, i dont see how you can spoil a child of jessica's age, as she only asks for what she needs and nothing more. beautifully put. i think you're doing a great job.


    a friend of mine from the church who lost his first baby 26 years ago said that when the second came along, she was "doubly loved." and that she is a sweet and sensitive person now, she took her baby blanket to college with her, she was such a gentle girl. her mother (his wife) has since passed away too. he remarried many years after her death, and had another baby with his new wife, and he said still, even 23 years between his rainbow babies... his love for the first just pours onto the second and third.

    i think you're doing a perfect job.. just pour out the love. she WILL learn that way.. to be a wonderful, genuine person.

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  28. Oh Catherine, I always want to hug you.

    I don't know what it is like to parent a living child, but I know after Isla died all my ideas about how I thought I would parent went out the window.

    I used to think I would drop Isla off at my mom's one or two nights a month so she could get some Nanna time and Tim and I could go on dates, out with friends, whatever. I have already told my mom that when we have another baby she is just going to have to sleep here at my house because there is NO WAY any baby of mine is going to spend a night away from me. In fact, I can't even imagine putting a little one down in a crib in the nursery. So, I definitely think I am going to practice attachment parenting now - just thinking about it, it feels right to me.

    I can imagine its difficult to trust your instincts with all that criticism, but try to ignore it. I too think she is too young to be manipulating you, and no one can be spoiled with too much love.

    Jessica is such an amazement - you're obviously doing it right!

    M xoxo

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  29. I have often had family members tell me that I spoil Eliza or that I am not firm enough with her. When they tell me this I ask them how many days did they wake up wondering if this was the day their child would die? Or I ask how many days, weeks or months did their child struggle to simply survive? I don't believe you can ever show too much compassion, love and affection to any child, but in particular children who have struggled so much deserve extra love, affection and compassion.

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  30. Catherine, you always mangage to write such an eloquent post about something similar going on with me.
    We too bought our little boy enough presents for 3. He also has enough clothes for 3. He also receives the hugs and kisses and cuddles for 3, maybe even 30. My own husband tells me not to hug him so much (especially when he's scolding him and he runs to me for comfort ;) ) I WILL NOT deny my child the comfort he seeks out. I had to do this while on bed rest and it tore my heart out to hear him cry for me and I couldn't pick him up, and my in-laws didnt even bring him over to me. It gives me comfort to comfort him, and I often think how I'd be holding 3, rocking 3, reading to 3, kissing 3. So I can relate to this post immensely. I know we spoiled him materially, and this year, I really don't care. We have next year and all the years after to teach the value of immaterial things, and giving as well as receiving. Jessica is only 1, right? You have plenty of time to worry about those things, too. Enjoy your child, any way you choose to do so! You deserve it, and she deserves it, and to hell with everyone else. YOU know what is best for your family and your little girl. YOU are Jessica's mother. YOU carried her, delivered her, sat by her side, and had to say goodbye to her sister. One thing I have taken away from this horrible experience is to do what I feel comfortable doing, do what I feel is best for my family, for me. I put us first, and if other family has a problem with that, Im sorry. But we come first for now. We are healing and bonding back together, and the 3 of us need each other more than ever. Do what you need/want to do, Catherine. Just ignoring the comments may make help them stop. Don't engage, don't even open it for discussion. Have faith in yourself, and your parenting. You are a wonderful, thoughtful, loving, generous, insightful mother. Trust your instincts. Make yourself and your family happy.

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  31. PS love your post, after Iris. Hear, hear!

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  32. That video, the dinging of the monitors all too familiar brought such images and weight to my chest. to hell with the opinions of others. they haven't been there. even if they were there looking on, they can never truly know. so your daughter is spoiled? find me a one year old cutie who isn't! I think you are an amazing mother to Jessica AND Georgina. You are an amazing mother, don't let the shortcomings of others cloud your view on that. I don't know how my parenting would change. I don't know that I will ever get the chance to know. What I do know is that as someone who has followed your story here for so long, I am so proud of you and the amazing job you are doing. As far as "letting her walk all over you." Please. I don't think a one year old would even know what it means to walk all over their mother, unless they were playing together on the floor.
    Sending you hugs and love.
    xxPeace

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  33. Catherine,
    Thanks for your comment on my post - and the quote too. I love it.
    Ruth

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