You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel.Mr. Grinch.
You're a bad bananaBefore Georgina died, I like to think that I wasn't one to bear a grudge. I don't believe that I was a particularly angry person. Maybe if someone overtook me too pointedly whilst driving. I've had my moments during fights with family members, I've been known to throw a shoe at my husband (but only the once and it was a very soft shoe!)
With a greasy black peel'.
But my heart seems to have shrunk by a couple of sizes. A heart that was once of normal proportions, perhaps not the most voluminous but not the teeny tiniest either, has withered a little, short on compassion, short on forgiveness. These days.
I'm now a considerably angrier, more Grinch-like proposition than I was.
I get angry with . . .
(a) televisions programmes, which now all seem to revolve around pregnancy. I can't seem to escape pregnancy related story lines. There is a documentary on TV in the UK called 'One Born Every Minute' which is a fly on the wall in a maternity unit. I don't imagine they'll feature a child who does not survive. Or maybe they will? I can't bring myself to watch it.
(b) celebrity magazines, where the talented and beautiful discuss how many children they would like, what genders they would like. Hell, maybe they would even like twins. Good luck with that one.
(c) Ordinary people on the street. Pregnant women who look untroubled and blissful, harassed women pushing buggies and trailing two or three kids behind them, people who yell and swear at their children in supermarkets, girls who look young enough to be my daughter proudly pushing prams along, pregnant women browsing baby clothes and toys, women smoking into double buggies. There's nothing wrong with any of these people, there is something wrong with me.
I'm angry with the woman I was stuck behind in the queue last week. Just because she had twin girls who were wearing an outfit identical to one that I've bought for Jessica and because her babies had similar colouring. Blue eyes, fair hair. Ridiculous. What on earth should make me angry about that?
I'm angry with a lady I met at a mother and baby group who announced that all babies were either walking or talking by sixteen months. Then pointedly asked how old Jessica was. I just wanted to spill the whole story out but I just smiled and said 'oh, she'll get there. She's so close.'
Do you know, that I am STILL angry with a nurse who works at the NICU where Georgina and Jessica stayed after they were born? So angry, that it wakes me up at night. That probably (no, definitely) sounds completely hideous.
If you spend a long time in NICU you get to know most of the nurses quite well, as they will look after your child for at least one 12 hour shift during their stay. I admired, liked and trusted every single nurse who looked after both Jessica and Georgina. They were all so dedicated and most were so compassionate and understanding, you felt as though you could confide in them. My husband and I got to know the nurses so well after 3 months in ICU that, when we phoned through at night, we would always ask who was looking after her and tell one another "Oh, it's nurse Y tonight" and the other would nod contentedly and fall asleep knowing that our daughter was in hands that we trusted. .
But, as ever, it is the exception that proves the rule. There was one nurse who I just couldn't seem to get along with, no matter how hard I tried. And I suppose that is the way of things. There will always be one person whom you don't see eye to eye with. And they are probably a person who is exactly the right type to support someone else. Who isn't you.
There was one nurse in particular that made me feel I was doing something wrong everytime I so much as looked in the incubator. Eventually, if she was looking after Jessica that day, I just went home. No fun to drive over a hundred mile round trip for nothing but she used to dent my confidence to such an extent it simply wasn't worth staying. I would be tears for hours every single time this particular person was involved. Strange when all the other nurses would go to great lengths to make you feel involved and most understood my need to sit there for hours looking in the incubator! Not touching or interferring or even talking to her, I just needed to be there. I guess it's annoying to have someone else watching you work all the time but Jessica was my baby and I felt awful just trying to get on with my life whilst she was in hospital. Well, I just couldn't.
She told me to go home and have a glass of wine the day after Georgina died. And the day after. And the day after. I was actually frightened of wine at the time. Because I didn't think it would stop at one glass.
She confidently diagnosed me with post natal depression less than a week after Georgina had died and in the same breath told me and my husband that we would have to vacate the parents room we were staying in as someone else needed it. Which wasn't true, the senior nurse on the ward informed me.
She told my husband off the day after Georgina died because he forgot to take his watch off when he went on to the ward. Yes, he should have removed his watch but she could have been a little kinder under the circumstances.
When MRSA hit the NICU, no other visitors apart from parents were allowed in. My mum was frantic. She spent ages carefully sewing an incubator cover (these protect premature babies from the light which is over stimulating for them.) This cover was rejected by this particular nurse as it was not 'fire proof' despite (a) being made of exactly the same material as several others on the unit and (b) she never even opened the bag to look at it. So it was thrown in the bin.
One day I was incubator gazing and Jessica stopped breathing. Not unusual at the time, an apnoea. The nurse looking after her that day was busy and asked me to just rub her back to start her breathing again. I did. Another nurse (this nurse that I STILL seem to be bearing a grudge against nearly 18 months down the line) saw me rubbing her back and told me off for touching her. Something broke inside of me at that moment. I felt so powerless, so hopeless.
I'm still bearing a grudge against this particular nurse. Geesh, what sort of a person bears a grudge against someone who helped to save their child's life? A woman who seen all of this so many times. Who probably can't imagine what it would be like to arrive on her ward, a place so familiar to her, to watch your own children struggle to live. It probably seems mundane and every day to her but it is the single most terrible and amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I'm sure she thought I was a drama queen who didn't understand how lucky she was. She was probably right.
I'm hoping that this post will act as some sort of exorcism and banish her from my thoughts. Life is too short to hold a grudge. Rubs grinchy hands together. Wanders off humming 'you're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. You really are a heel. You're as cuddly as a cactus. You're as charming as an eel, Mr. Grinch . . . .'
I'm still so angry. But maybe not really with her. Not really. I think I'm angry because my daughters were born before they were ready. And I'm angry because Georgina died.
That nurse sounds very unpleasant and I can completely understand why you would still be angry with her.
ReplyDeleteI probably received the equivalent of a black belt in anger because after Toren died I was just so MAD. The anger I felt at the situation would get transferred onto people who were really only annoying. But you can't fight it, I think the only way to get to a more peaceful state is to acknowledge and honor your anger (and recognize it for what it is so you don't ACT in anger towards annoying people).
I hope blogging about it helped!
Now I'm mad at the nurse too. Truly she sounds like a nasty person, really she does. And being angry about Georgina dying? well of course you are. And I'm so sorry. xxxxx
ReplyDeleteAnger has a way of sticking with us. I have so many people that I resent-for one thing they did or another and I can't seem to get past it altogether at all. The bitterness is there for me-it took someone saying or doing one thing that totally irked me off and I can't seem to forget it. I don't even really want to try, yet. It's like a protection for me, to be angry and stay angry.
ReplyDeleteI let all those things that you see get to me, too. When I see twins, it makes me so MAD and I think-really, Christy, what are you getting mad about? What is the use? But I can't stop myself.
You have the right to these emotions, sweet Catherine. Go with them and then later on we can sort them out or whatever it is we need to do. And when is later? Whenever we decide it is!
Love to you,
Christy
I'm angry at this nurse just from reading about the way she treated you! She shouldn't be working there in the NICU. There's no room for those kinds of actions in such a delicate and sensitive environment.
ReplyDeleteThere were just so many parts to your post that I agreed with- the anger, the grudge, everything. I'm Grinch-ier, too and often feel like I don't deserve to be. Yes, I lost a baby, but sometimes I think I don't have a right to be angry because I still have Colby here with me. It's such a hard road to walk.
ReplyDeleteAnd that nurse just makes me sick. I hope you can let go of some of the anger, but you have every right to be left with such an awful impression of her.
I hope this post brought you some peace-- I'm always thinking of you and your little girls.
I think your anger at this nurse is understandable. Some people are just simply in the wrong profession and either don't know it, or if they do, have been at it so long they are just biding time until they collect a pension.
ReplyDeleteThere was a dreadful nurse in Eliza's NICU who I finally spoke to the neo about and she never was in charge of Eliza's care after that. She wasn't a bad nurse per se, but she criticized everything I did and made me feel even more inadequate than I already did since I had so utterly failed at simply carrying Eliza to even close to term. She clearly did not have the personality to even be allowed past the NICU doors.
I know that this post will definitely set loose some of those feelings you have been holding in. I am glad you wrote it. I am so sorry she treated you in such a manner.
ReplyDeleteI'm a rather inconsistent commenter these days, but I do try to read every post. I've been thinking about you a lot these days. I am angry too. Very angry. I think it does help to write it out, but I also think you have a right to be angry with that nurse. She sounds incredibly rude and uncaring. Just doing her job, right? If only she'd realize her job should include emotional care.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say more to make it all better for you. Please know that I'm thinking of you and sending you love. And prayers.
Peace, my friend.
You arent mean.
ReplyDeleteI still hold a grudge against the dr who I got when I called the hospital when I started bleeding with Alexander who told me it was no big deal, with the resident who who refused to get me a bedpan and is the reason Alex slipped into my vagina, and with her nurse's nasty attitude. I dont know that those feelings will ever go away.
Excuse me for being so blunt and self righteous, but as a pediatric and NICU nurse I find the way that nurse treated you to be inexcusable. I would be angry too and even 18 months later it is worth sending a complaint to her manager. If you were following policy based on visiting hours, it is your RIGHT as a parent to be there for your daughter whenever you want to be. I don't see what is wrong with touching her, especially if she was apneic. Stimulation is what relieves the apnea. I always wonder why people chose to go into medicine, ESPECIALLY any form of pediatrics, if they dont have compassion for people... and also especially considering one of your babies had just died, she should have doubled her compassion. The watch and the blanket were simple and honest mistakes.. hospitals are businesses and patients are customers.. nurses still have the responsibility to give top notch customer service and that nurse did not. I am so terribly sorry this is still haunting you. As if it wasnt hard enough to lose a child...
ReplyDeleteoh Catherine, I can't help but feel anger towards that nurse, but I do hope you can find liberation from the grudge and anger. I know it is not a comfortable or peaceful place to be no matter how justified it might be. I am so sorry. I wish I had words that could help your heart, just know I am thinking about you. You're not alone. xx
ReplyDeleteBe kind to yourself Catherine. She sounds like a right royal bitch (whatever a right royal bitch is). Letting go of the anger is probably a good thing though (if you can) so that it doesn't eat you up.
ReplyDeleteI remember feeling the same way about Nicu nurses though I can't think of anyone I particularly disliked. Most were wonderful but there was the occasional one I didn't get along with and yeah, we didn't stay too long when they were rostered on either.
I don't think you're a Grinch Catherine. A lot of the time these people deserve our anger. What really grinds us is that we're not in a position to express it directly to them. If I could go back... the things I would say to some of those nurses and doctors.
xx
Oh how I can relate to this particular post Catherine. If there are any nurses reading this, please know that I hold no grudge or hatred towards you in particular but there is one nurse here that I feel the same HATRED towards. There was a nurse who also told me off when Lorelei stopped breathing during a feed, told me I was overreacting and "too emotional" and refused to put Lorelei back on the monitors to check her sats. That night she coded in the nursery and to this day I can still here the page being called over and over again. It was my baby and she was not breathing and had to be resucitated because that nurse did not listen to me and dismissed me as a hysterical first time mom. She apologized the next day but by then I wanted to rip her eyes out. Lorelei was fine but I almost lost her and to this day I HATE THAT NURSE. I don't think your'e grinchy at all Catherine. I think you're pretty normal. Hugs
ReplyDeleteIf you're a grinch, I am too. Welcome to the club. I hope by writing some of your feelings "out" you will feel a little lighter today. I try to do the same, writing down seems to take away a tiny bit of the stinging pain and anger.
ReplyDeletexoxo
PS: a, b, and c piss me off to. Grrr.....
Catherine, I'm glad you've written this down, I do hope it has helped.
ReplyDeleteI have to write something in a similar vein about a particular coroner ready for tomorrow's inquest, and I'm so afraid to put pen to paper for fear of the force the anger might come out if let it.
I think though, you may have just given me the push I needed.
Oh yeah, and those pregnant women, new babies while out shopping, they ake me angry too, even now I'm pregnant, I'm still angry.x
I think that nurse needs to know how she made you feel if only in the hopes that she might change her attitude towards someone else. Even 18 months on, I think a letter might be in order.
ReplyDeleteI saw that 'One Born Every Minute' was on bbc's iplayer and the insanely masochistic part of my brain tells me to watch it but the self-preservative part yells, "Aaaargh nooooo!".
I heard a Mum call her 3 year old a "little cow" the other day and Ray had to steer me in another direction to prevent me from ripping her head off.
I think writing about your anger here is safe and cathartic and you just go ahead and rant if you need to.
xxx
I think the nurse was completely off base. Everyone with any ounce of understanding knows that preemies need as much contact with their parents as can be offered. No exceptions.
ReplyDeleteI know about anger too. It's been 10 months and I've spent almost every day at some point feeling a deep seated rage at my mother in law. This is a woman I'd always loved...my mother in law...the mother of my husband. The grandmother to my children. And yet....I could push her down the stairs without feeling guilt. All because a week before my sons died inside of me for no f-ing reason she expressed her concern...AGAIN...about how fertile I am. "You know Sara...you should really have your uterus taken OUT. Your just too fertile, and we don't want "this" to happen again do we??" I remember telling her that I didn't share her feelings. That I felt this pregnancy was something special...and that I wasn't unhappy that my birthcontrol had "failed" And that...if it happened again, I'd feel the SAME WAY! I remember hanging up the phone and patting my rounded belly protectively. "Don't worry...when she meets you, she'll understand."
But...she never met them. because they DIED. I never got to introduce her to the babies that would have made her smile and laugh. I never got to show her that she was WRONG. No. In fact, because of how horrible it all was, she has continued to express that I should have my uterus REMOVED so "that" didn't happen again. When she came for christmas, she never even mentioned the tiny footprints on my mantle. Never mentioned the photos of their names in the sand. Never mentioned our loss at all.
I have so much rage at her. Rage that I am not sure will ever fade. She didn't feel sad that they died. She never wanted them at all. Her only comment when we discovered we would have had beautiful twin boys was "Oh MY Goodness Sara! How could you have handled TWINS?!" She's lucky I didn't strangle her right there and then. How could I have handled it? BEAUTIFULLY. I would have LOVED every minute of it!!!!
Yeah. I'm still really angry.
I keep trying to breathe.
I keep finding new people to be mad at, just like you. New moms, lame moms, happy moms, angry moms, every mom really. I don't like this angry woman I've become. I want to let her go, because, as you mentioned...the truth is, that I'm simply angry that my little twins are gone. I'm angry that my twins are dead.
You are the least grinchy person I know, my dear. And as others have said, that nurse behaved very, very badly. She ought to be ashamed of herself (and I agree with whoever said that it's not too late to make a complaint)
ReplyDeletex
I am so, so sad for you, I can't even explain it! I can't imagine how that woman would have totally broken my spirit and changed the person I am - as if the remainer of your circumstances couldn't sufficiently do so! I can't imagine how angry I would continue to be with that woman. . . ugh.
ReplyDeleteI really hope that writing this post allowed some of it to lessen. If not, maybe consider writing a letter - to her, to her supervisor, to whomever - even if you don't send it! I can't imagine.
Part of having a full heart is having room for anger and passion and feeling and memory and complication and trouble and love, love, love which is not always pretty and happy. You're such a warm-hearted person--it's so clear in your words here and your love for your girls. And even if you feel grinchy at times, remember the lovely things you've done for others that reveal instantly your generosity and kindness and that open our hearts in return. (Just found your comment on my long-ignored blog, and it was such a sweet welcome back to writing and connecting.) It's all tipped in your favor in the end against grinchdom, I promise. If you weren't angry at times, you couldn't love fiercely, as you must do, for Georgina, for yourself, for your family.
ReplyDeleteCan I second the others who'd said you are the most ungrinchiest person? Really. In fact just this week, I described you as a beautiful and generous soul....hardly grinchy.
ReplyDeleteBut I can absolutely understand how these feelings of anger remain...I'd be hurt and angry too. I have one little nurses comment that has stuck with me - that will still at itmes give me sleeplessness....it wasn't days of comments or actions like you experienced with that nurse.
And the mom making comments about development? Iiyiiiyii. I just cannot deal with those who believe that early milestones are indications of their superior parenting. Cause they aren't. If she ever had to walk a mile in your shoes, she'd find herself woefully inadequate to make her way along the path you've traveled.
My utmost respect and love to you
Oh Catherine she sounds like a horrible person! It is part of a nurse's job to have compassion with her patients and their families. She obviously failed at this. I understand holding a grudge towards her, I think I would too. However, sometimes I think we do have to say enough is enough and try to move past it. Good luck with letting go of your anger...I think the rest of us will carry on with it for you though!! xx
ReplyDeleteI have that anger at the nurses who "cared" for us. They were inhumane, actually. I'm learning to let that go and use it for good. I just found your blog today. HUGS
ReplyDeleteKaty
hannahshonor.blogspot.com
What a terror, Catherine. There should be a mandatory course in compassion.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand holding a massive grudge. I still hold one against a nurse who said it was "too chaotic" to hold Cayden in the NICU one night. She deprived us of a chance to hold our baby on one of only fourteen nights he had with us, and I'll be forever angry with her for it.
Sending much love. xo
I'm back, my un-Grinchy friend!! And don't worry, I hold lots of grudges and am still so very angry. At a whole bunch of nurses who remain faceless to me (the ones I spoke to on the phone the three days I laboured with Hope who kept telling me to stay home). I don't think I'll ever be able to let it go.
ReplyDeleteHave missed you. So glad to be back online!
Oh Catherine. I love you in all your Grinchiness!
ReplyDeleteI've actually started several times to write a post about grief anger and this scary transformation I have undergone from someone who I think was almost too compassionate and quick to forgive before, to this bitter, hate-filled, ANGRY person.
I HATE my sister-in-law, and I know I will probably regret actually writing this down, but wish bad things upon her, her husband, and gasp, her unborn baby. Well maybe not the baby herself, but I wish my SIL could experience the pain of babyloss just even for a moment to understand what a horrible wench she is.
But it isn't easy to be so angry when you were once not an angry person. I'm now really struggling with my inabilty to forgive my SIL, who albeit has treated me with such selfish disregard my anger isn't exactly unwarranted or misdirected, but is perhaps not deserving of all the evil, negative energy I have directed at her.
I get all freaked out about karma, and that all my anger towards my SIL is actually somehow cosmically being directed back at me. But right now, I can't help it. I HATE her. The hatred and anger is so much bigger than any emotion I have ever felt before that it often feels as though it is physically strangling me.
I don't recognize myself like this. It's slowly getting better day by day, but I still find myself occassionally banging my head and fists against the shower walls in frustration and rage.
Who am I? I don't want to feel like this forever.
xoxo
I just want to add that I hope you didn't read my last comment to say that I thought you were a grinch. I meant, that I love you despite your (completely warranted towards the nurse) grinchy thoughts and feelings. I totally think that you are such an amazing non-grinchy person - a real grinch wouldn't have the abilty to identify and reflect on the grinchiness, so your post for me just shows how full and bright and love-filled your heart really is. Not black at all. xo
ReplyDeleteIf you find a way to let go of the anger, let me know. I too have been known to throw things ;) but I do hate feeling that way too. But really, who wouldn't be angry? Im so sorry that nurse added to your pain, htat is terrible, As someone said before me, she really isn't in the right line of work. (())
ReplyDeleteOh, Catherine... ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this with us, and all that you had, everything just heart-aching beautiful.
I cannot understand why that nurse behaved like that, why?! I am sorry you had to deal with more than the ache and pain of losing Georgina.
And you are not mean, just a mom who loved her babies extremely much.
You have every right to be angry, Catherine. Every right, my love. Oh, it's so hard to get through this and I know you hate feeling angry, but we just can't help it.
ReplyDeleteTake a deep breath in and just accept it. It's okay. You have a right.
I pray your anger dissipates soon so that YOU don't have to deal with that harsh and draining emotion.
Lots of love to you! xoxo
Catherine, i think you are the most lovely grinch i ever did meet! :) your anger toward that nurse is completely understandable. sure, maybe she helped save your daughter's life, but i think part of being a good nurse is having compassion, patience and understanding for the people they care for, as well as their families. it irritates me to no end when i see medical professionals take the humanity out of medicine. oh, and if you don't have people skills maybe you shouldn't be working with, umm, PEOPLE?! it's unacceptable that anybody, let alone a nurse, should make you feel that way after all that you've been through. shame on her. i'm angry with you.
ReplyDeletei've been holding onto the anger too. i hate that i still feel it. and though it has waned, it's starting to creep back stronger again. i don't know what to do with it, being that it doesn't change anything, but i can't seem to shake it. humph.
sending love to you and your family. xo