Friday 6 August 2010

August Holiday

The sun is sharp.
Its pale lemon colour belies its intensity. Its heat striking at my skin.
The sea glitters briefly before the sky becomes overcast again.
Grit under my finger nails.
Delicate traceries of salt.
The pale fat of my own legs, marbled with blue and purple veins.

She tries to look at me.
Her voice is thick with held back tears and breaks slightly.
"We just don't know Catherine.
We don't know what to talk to you about any more.
You don't talk about anything else."

And I know that she is right.

I have forgotten myself.
And I don't know how to talk to her either.
I am too sad.
I am envious and over-protective
Of her as yet unblemished life.
Her wedding.
Her children yet to come.

Georgina. Jessica. My twins.
My ever-fixed mark.
My thoughts spark off on other trajectories, away from them.
But by the time the fuse sputters out.
I am back. My daughters.
My heart rises to my lips. Slowly. Unintentionally.
Yet it rises.

The memory of a small child clings so steadfastly to my chest.
At my heart. At my breast.
But I cannot nourish her.

I bring her here.
I hold her out to be seen, although to what end I am not certain.
I try to nurture her with words, to resuscitate her.
Pump a little blood, stir a small breath.
But she does not breath, she does not grow.

She does not change. Ash to ash to ash to ash.
I do not change either, it would appear.

I am wistful.
Wanting.
Comfort-less.

One child so defiantly, recklessly alive.
One so very, very dead.

Silence.
A holiday.
In August.

19 comments:

  1. i wish i had something more profound to say than that i'm listening and that i'm thinking of you.
    it's not fair. it's just not fair.
    xxx

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  2. I have no words for you other than that was incredibly touching. xoxo

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  3. So profound. So moving.
    Chiming in also to say I'm here, I'm listening. You are not alone.
    xo

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  4. moved.

    there are no other words.

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  5. wow. lovely and heartbreaking once again.

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  6. They are forever with us while also so very absent. I wish others could see that.
    Love to you, Catherine.

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  7. how beautiful... achingly so...

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  8. If we were all there we would know what to talk to you about, and talk about it endlessly if you wanted...I wish we could...sending you hugs for comfort sweet girl. xxx

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  9. I am touched by your post and hurting for you all at the same time. Wishing it was easier..but knowing it never will be. Thinking about you and sending hugs your way.

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  10. Always here for you Catherine. x

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  11. Your words are always so beautiful, even when they are so sad. We, here, understand. We welcome your words about Georgina, even as we need to share our babies too.

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  12. Hugs Catherine...I just came back from vacation, and I did wonder how yours went...

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  13. They are just so... dead. I'm sorry. Hugs.

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  14. "I have forgotten myself"

    I know that. I am living that everyday. I don't really know who I am anymore but I keep hoping that I will remember eventually.

    I've been reading for awhile now. You write beautifully.

    It is entirely inadequate, I know, but I am sorry Georgina died and that Jessica is without her twin. I am sorry that you are without your daughter.

    -Brianna

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  15. The beauty that blooms from your deep pain, it's our honor to behold.
    Thank you for sharing. xo

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  16. My heart aches with yours...love and hugs. XOXO

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  17. As always...poignant words that echo from my own lips. Thank you for sharing your heart so that I know mine doesn't beat alone. ((HUG))

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