C: "Yes."
B: "Does she have any brothers or sisters?"
C: "No."
C: "How old are your boys?"
D: "Just turned one. Argh, twins are such hard work. It just never ends."
C: "Oh, I'm sure. I really can't imagine, you must be exhausted."
E: "Do they know why Jessica was born so early?"
C: "No. Perhaps an infection of some description."
F: "How old is she?"
C: "Um, eighteen months."
F: "Oh, same as my little girl. She wasn't due until September but she decided to come in the middle of August instead."
C: "Oh really? They'll be the babies of the class won't they, being born in August."
G: "Wow, I just can't believe how much she's grown. A true answer to prayer."
C: "Yes. She is amazing."
Poor Georgina. Your life was so short and now your own mother is unravelling the thread of the hours that you had. Taking that tiny piece of cloth and tugging on its frayed edges so that the time come spilling out into my hands and on to the floor. Only to disappear into the earth.
Forgotten.
As people have slipped through this place since time immemorial.
I will follow you one of these days. Edited out.
You will always be my daughter.
You will always be tiny.
You will never be called a miracle or an answer to prayer.
You will always be dead.
I will always sit here, shaking my head in disbelief, holding my breath and waiting for the doctors to tell me different news. Part of me still waits in that August, of two years ago.
As though the sheer force of my want for you is strong enough to force me backwards through everything that has occurred since.
My hands are still clenched and I watch the numbers on your monitors rise and fall.
I feel as though the space occupied by my body, all my atoms and hairs and organs, must somehow be visibly twisting towards you with the desire to make you live.
And they've never completely come back to rest.
I remain somewhat out of alignment, in a state of tension, still trying to change that which is permanent.
Because I don't want you to die.
I still can't believe that you did, my girl. My sweet Georgina.
Oh how I wish you hadn't died.
Every single time my lungs fill with air, every time my heart pulses.
I wish they were your lungs, your heart.
I wish.
It's stupid and futile.
I'm stupid and futile.
But I can't help myself.
You are not stupid and futile...you miss your little girl and unfortunately a lot of do not tell perfect strangers about our babies to avoid an awkward moment. *huge hugs* Thinking of you.
ReplyDelete"I feel as though the space occupied by my body, all my atoms and hairs and organs, must somehow be visibly twisting towards you with the desire to make you live.
ReplyDeleteAnd they've never completely come back to rest.
I remain somewhat out of alignment, in a state of tension, still trying to change that which is permanent.
Because I don't want you to die."
I have such a vivid image of this, like a plant turned toward the sun, models of atoms with all the electrons quivering on one side, a body leaning . . . and I suspect I am out of alignment too from trying to will my boy to live, to pour love into him as if that could save him.
Even as you feel you unravel the stitches of Georgina's life, you stitch new ones with your simple remembrance and with the words you write here.
Oh Catherine I am so sorry. You know...I've recently decided that if I don't tell people about my twins when they ask how many children I have, that is ok. It is a private and personal topic that not everyone had the privelige of learning about. Some people just aren't worthy of knowing my girls and so I do not mention them. Your Georgina is a special girl and if you don't tell everyone about her that is okay. We can keep them close to our hearts without telling others. xx
ReplyDeleteCatherine, my heart just breaks reading this post. You are not stupid nor futile. It is not easy being a mother to a dead child. I wish I had something wonderful to say to ease the pain and the longing. Just know you are in my thoughts. Your words always seem to be true for what my heart is feeling. xx
ReplyDeleteThank you Sara. I'm glad it made sense to you, I'm not very good at articulating how I felt in those few days but yes, a body leaning. I am still. xo
ReplyDeleteI hear you and I agree with Tina on this. Just because you edit her out of conversations with certain people doesn't mean you're truly leaving her out. Of course, you know that. Sometimes it's just better to save your breath than try to explain.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing mom to Georgina NO MATTER WHAT. She knows that these awkward conversations don't matter. Well, they do, but they don't. See, I can't even make sense of what I want to tell you!
ReplyDeleteMy babies were not miracles. They were not answers to prayer, either. Only they SO WERE. People just like to dwell on the good, ya know?
I'm so sorry about all the hurt people cause-it's this crippling guilt that we all feel. But you don't deserve it. It's so easy to tell other people to ease up on themselves when we don't do it ourselves!
This comment makes no sense so far so I am really going to stop. But just know I'm sending love. And as much as I can, i understand. And I'm right there with you.
In all this heartache I can see how much love you have. Your words always make sense to me and I feel it in my heart. I can feel your pain. You are not stupid and not futile. You are a loving, grieving mother. As always, I am thinking about you! xo
ReplyDeletePart of me waits in August 2008 with you.
ReplyDelete"Oh, there it is Sally. Found the heartbeat. Silly you worrying for nothing. Your baby is fine." I'm still waiting for that news. I'll always be waiting.
Another amazing post my friend.
xo
I never seem to be able to find words right now, but I want you to know that I'm listening x x
ReplyDeleteI'm listening too and you are not stupid and futile. You are a beautiful mama.
ReplyDeletexx
I've had that same conversation over and over. It just doesn't get easier does it? I agree with "after iris"... I never seem to have the right words... but I'm here.
ReplyDeleteIf this is futile and dumb, I am right there with you. There will always be parts of us being stuck in august.
ReplyDeletexoxo
I struggle with not mentioning my girls, too. But sometimes it is just easier, when I feel I can't bear one of those terribly symapthetic looks, or worse the awkwardness someone else feels when they don't know how to react. Thank you for writing this, and also to Tina for her comment. Just because we don't share them with everyone, doesn't mean we love them any less.
ReplyDeleteAs always, beautifully written :)
I've done that too, wishing that I could breathe life back into Julia's body. It almost seems plausible, for just a few moments. If I could just somehow bring her back...I feel your heartache.
ReplyDeleteSuch immense love comes through your writing, it will always be there for Georgina and Jessica, deep within your heart.
XOXO
'somewhat out of alignment'
ReplyDeletethis. perfect.
it's not fair, that this had to happen.
thinking of you, and of your daughters. both of them.
You arent... You arent... You arent.... You are loving and wonderful.
ReplyDeleteHugs, dear one...
I am so with you on this one.
ReplyDelete