Friday 28 August 2009

Pulse

It is there in the recesses of my brain, poised at the back of my throat.

Pulse, pulse, pulse.

'This time last year, she was alive.'

Whilst I'm going about my mundane daily life, it speaks in a quiet voice in my ear.
Sometimes gentle, sometimes taunting, gloating.

When I look at her sister.

'This time last year, she was alive.'

I should have a memory for every hour she was alive. It was so crushingly short a time.
But I don't.
Some of them were washed away by the shock.
Some of them I never even bothered to make.

I wish, oh how I wish, wish, wish that I hadn't wasted our time.
On sleeping. On eating.
Not concentrating.

I didn't realise it would only be three days and some odd hours.
I didn't want to realise.
I didn't want to admit a possibility, a probability of death.

I'm attending a wedding this afternoon. Why on earth I said I would go I don't know. I must be even more stupid than I sometimes suspect.
I just didn't anticipate that this time would be so difficult for me. I thought it would be just another day. And it is. And it isn't.
I hope my good British stiff upper lip doesn't let me down. Wish me luck old beans (feeble attempt to channel Bertie Wooster there).

When I see the photographs of this afternoon's wedding, of me and Jessica in our frocks in the English drizzle, I'm sure all that I will really see will be that pulse.

'This time last year, she was alive.'

* * *

And thank you so much for the Honest Scrap award. I think it is the first time I have ever been awarded anything.
I have been enjoying reading everyone else's responses.
I am going to have to try and think of ten interesting things about myself.
It may end up having to be slightly Dishonest Scrap or it will be too dull to read. :)

10 comments:

  1. Dearest Catherine. Your writing often takes my breath away. I think you just so beautifully capture the truth of what you are experiencing. I wish I could take away the wedding, and all extraneous everything. Just to let this day ebb and flow around you. All I can do is let you know that you are in my mind and heart. I'm sending you as much strength as I can to get through today. With love.

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  2. Dear sweet bean friend. Hoping for grace to sustain you and for love to surround you.
    xxxxx

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  3. Catherine, I wish I could think of something more profound to say other than I'm thinking of you.

    As you know I'm also of the stiff upper lip brigade but please let it tremble if that's what you need to do. xxxx

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  4. Catherine try to remember that you did the bet you can given the situation. We did not expect our girls to be born so early and certainly not to die. It was a total shock to our systems and we did the best we can. This is what I always tell myself when the guilt sets in and I KNOW it is true for you. Wishing you the best today and maybe the wedding will be enjoyable and a welcomed distraction. Lots of love my friens. xx

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  5. Oh Catherine... You arent the only one who has that pulse and that thought... You didnt waste your time with Georgina... You were hoping for the best and doing everything that you could to make sure that there was lots more time to make those memories.

    Sending big hugs and hoping that you get through the wedding with that upper lip in place.

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  6. I too put myself in these messes where I'm feeling fine one day and agree to something, then I don't feel good at all on the date of the event and have no idea why I initially agreed at all.
    I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you still had both of your babies.

    Love Lindsay

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  7. Sometimes, I just never know what to say. Your writing is so beautiful and profound.
    I'm just lost for anything truly meaningful to say here, so I'll leave it at I'm thinking of you & Georgina.
    xo

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  8. I hope you made it through the wedding.

    "crushingly short a time" - absolutely. I wish you'd had more time with Georgina too.

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  9. I hope that your memories of Georgia weave a rich fabric to hold your heart. Someone reminded me that love is measured in depth, not breadth. I still wish I had more time with my baby, though. Every day.
    Ruth

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  10. Lovely post, as always. I haven't been commenting much lately because most of the time i'm lost for words, i really don't know what to say. your posts dredge up so many thoughts and emotions and my head starts swirling and it takes a while for it all to settle.... and so i end up not commenting. but i am still reading of course!
    (also, i'm not sure if you got my last email, but i hope i did not say anything wrong?!)
    XO
    christy

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