Lately I am full of doubt. Doubt that I can do anything right.
My comment amnesty was inspired by a post of Angie's worrying that her comments were meaningless drivel. Which made me think to myself, oh heck. If Angie (a writer of unquestionable articulateness and eloquence) considers her comments to be meaningless drivel, mine are meaningless drivel twice over with a cherry on top. And chocolate sprinkles.
But I'm actually fine with my comments or my posts being meaningless drivel. I'm sure that they often fall into that category. What I don't want them to do is hurt people. That is the exact opposite of my aim. I know it is inevitable that I will write stupid, hurtful, ill-considered things from time to time. I'm sure that we all do once in a while.
But I can't stand to think of hurting someone who has lost a baby. I couldn't stand to hurt anyone whose blog I comment on, with my good intentions but occasionally clumsy mechanics. I suppose that the recent appearance of a few trolls in these parts made me realise just how very much I would hate to hurt someone. Someone who has already been hurt beyond all imagining. I know that the nasty comments left by trolls are written to provoke but they never fail to make me feel sick to my stomach. What motivates these spiteful people I have no idea. I'm a bit worried that there are people in this world who have nothing better to do with their time than
(a) roam around the internet
(b) discover the existence of blogs (I don't think that I really knew they existed until about six months ago)
(c) discover the existence of blogs about dead babies
(d) read these blogs and . . . .
(e) sit and take the time to concoct a spiteful comment.
? ? and again ???????
It took me ages to find these places and I was actively looking for people in a similar situation. Why are these people not outside enjoying the sunshine, or the rain, looking at the flowers, playing a game on their computers, talking to their friends, or reading blogs about other topics or just doing something, anything else? They won't get those minutes back, those minutes they spent reading, planning and then writing nasty things. Is that really how they want to use up their finite lives? Hurting random strangers over the internet? My mind boggles. What is wrong with these people? I wouldn't like to hazard a guess.
And yes, yes I'm sure that you will all come and be troll-like over here now.
But rather here than elsewhere I suppose. Bring it on. Be mean. It's your life you're wasting and I'd rather you were mean to me than to someone else. Assuming that there is some limit on the number of people you are mean to per day. Which there probably isn't.
What I write on my own blog doesn't matter, if people are upset by my situation or how I write they can cross me off their list. That might not deter me from commenting on their blog though! Once I've started, I'm kind of hard to put off. So I suppose I was trying to give folk the option to opt out of my stalkery, commenty tendencies.
I can't imagine what any troll would have to say here, Catherine. You are lovely and thoughtful and gentle and kind and all sorts of other nice words I can't quite think of now. And you are surviving the unthinkable - raising one twin while mourning the other. You sell yourself short too much for what you are doing Catherine. I think you are incredible.
ReplyDeleteI don't allow anonymous comments on my blog, to try and keep the trolls away. I'm just too fragile, and a nasty comment might tip me over the edge.
You are right, they should just go out and enjoy the sunshine. Or read a book.
xo
Catherine - Never doubt your comments on our blogs. They are from the heart, written with love, and it shows. I look forward to them and have appreciated all of them.
ReplyDeleteAs for the trolls, I only hope that they never have to go through what all of us are going through. You are truly a special person to wish that they would leave others alone and come bother you.
Sending love...
oh my goodness, you know, don't you, that you write the most extraordinarily beautiful comments, right? AND posts. i mean, i think i write for many of us with blogs who suddenly realized you had a blog. i just wanted to know more about you and your experience. for me, i think the meaningless drivel comes from a feeling of impotence in my own grief. but to the point of the post, the trolls...bastards. i had a day not so long ago, i think after reading the second troll on OM's blog where I just wanted them to post something on my blog, so I could let loose with a litany of cuss words, and have a well-deserved rant at a deserving jackass. anyway, see, one of my crazy wandering comments, but still, the beauty of this place is that through our stages of grief, we can find a blog, somewhere, we connect with. i, for one, always read your posts, and think they are beautiful. not always as eloquent as i wish, though. with love.
ReplyDeleteI know - who the $!#$! are these people, anyway? The internet is a scary place sometimes. But it's also lovely, filled with people like you! xo
ReplyDeleteI've started to think about trolls and other mean people with a certain amount of pity. I mean, at best they totally lack empathy and sensitivity. Who'd want to be that person? Just imagine how empty their lives must be if they can't connect with other people.
ReplyDeleteFirrst off, I think that neither your comments nor posts are drivel. I am excited to see a comment come in from you and to see that you posted in my reader.
ReplyDeleteI often wonder about trolls. I have to think that they are either really bad people who just get off on hurting others or they are really injured people who have no concept of how to face their own grief so they attack someone else's. A dear blog friend of mine has had a few run-ins and they are downright nasty. It hurts me to read the crap that the person writes.
I often wonder how I will react to one when it happens (and I say when because I realize that, eventually, it is bound to). But honestly, I have to write for me- not for them. Ignoring them doesnt make them go away, unfortunately. But I dont feel like I have the extra energy to focus on them. Of course, I have moderation turned on, and I hear trolls hate that. So maybe there is a calm before the storm.
Don't you ever stop commenting on my blog :) Your writing - posts and comments - are filled with strength and compassion. And besides - most of the time all I can eek out is "Thinking of you" - but I mean it from the bottom of my heart, and I hope that people know that and appreciate it all the same :)
ReplyDeletedrivel schmivel! nonsense! your writing is always beautiful and touching. i always appreciate a comment from you :) my writing and comments, however.... i don't know how you write so well when i can hardly string together a coherent sentence in my head.
ReplyDeleteas for trolls, i've not had one yet, i didn't even know they were common. the only one i've seen was on someone else's page and as soon as i read it i thought my head was going to explode. i was so angry my blood was boiling. so i immeadiately (i think i spelled that wrong) wrote a nasty comment but of course didn't post it since i didn't think it was my place. what a lousy thing to do, hurt people who are already going through hell? i just don't understand it. they are all poopy-heads.
Oh. I don't even know if you'll see this. I'm so late coming to it. I LOVE your comments - they are always so heart warming. Please keep dropping by, I like it :)
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