I have days when I feel pressure building up inside me, pushing on my internal organs, pressing on the inner surface of my skin.
Rage.
Fury.
Sorrow.
Despair.
Hope.
Self pity.
Guilt.
Envy.
Bitterness.
Self loathing.
Unrequited love.
Clotting in my blood. Crystallising in my liver. Curdling in my stomach.
Sickening. Solidifying. Coalescing. They want out.
There is no release valve. On days like these I am just a container. Trying to keep it all in.
holding it in, letting it out... some days i feel like it's all just a state of being... some days i feel better having my feelings inside, other days i just have to let them out. i dont know that either is really better in the moment.
ReplyDeletesending hugs...
ohhh, how i hate these days. you just wish you could be empty and disintegrate into thin air. sometimes life is just too heavy. i am totally feeling you. sending you hugs...
ReplyDeleteI hear you Catherine. I sit with you in this great big mess.
ReplyDeleteI hit my release valve last night and strangely today, I feel better. Not normal, but better. Catherine you are in my thoughts (and feeble prayers) lots of love to you xxxx
ReplyDeleteHoping you get a bit of relief soon.
ReplyDeletePeace.
I know exactly what you mean. It's a sort of ebb and flow of emotions. It's not a bad thing to let it all out once in a while. Sending love...
ReplyDeleteI know those days. Oh, how I know them.
ReplyDeleteWhen my wife is in this space it reminds me of a crocodile death roll, and I resolve to be the riverbanks so that she can go under and do as her heart demands. It's a dance of grief that serves us both. I wish it were uneccessary.
ReplyDeleteBlessings, Catherine.
Sometimes I expect to see or feel some physical manifestation of all that we carry inside - some bubonic plague type boils, or violent vomiting, gaping wounds or a nasty tumour that grows, fed by this potent cocktail... I used to wish there was a physical sign to outwardly convey the pain - but now, I think the mental torment is enough to deal with.
ReplyDelete