When will I just go limp, stop fighting and accept it? She died.
The past is history, the future is mystery, live in the now.
I know, I know.
Acceptance would be the most sensible course of action at this point.
But it is easier said than done.
Why do I still want to get up on the roof and scream at the sky "Then I defy you, stars"?
And I'm sorry Romeo, but this isn't some teenage crush.
I defy you, you hateful stars.
With every ounce of my pathetic, weak, incompetent body.
With every thought of my stupid, incoherent, slow brain.
With every beat of my cracked, old, weary heart.
I defy you. I defy you. I defy you.
I'm still angry. I'm still sad. I'm still as broken as the day I lost her.
What you don't seem to understand, you malicious old stars, is how I love her.
I love her.
I can't stop. I can't accept it. I can't stop fighting.
Because I'm so frightened that, if I stop, she be might be even more completely lost to me than she is already. As if that were even possible.
I'm tired. I want some peace. I want Georgina to have some peace. I want my family to have some peace.To know that just because I stop fighting, stop screaming, doesn't mean that I've stopped loving.
I can't stop. I'm still fighting.
I'm still fighting too. I dont think acceptance is something we can just do or have; I think it is something that comes slowly, over time. And the acceptance wont lessen the love. I dont have the acceptance yet but I cant imagine it would lessen the love in anyway. Perhaps it will make the love sweeter.
ReplyDeleteSending you a big hug.
I can't stop either Catherine. And I still have trouble accepting what has happened to us and our beautiful son. I don't know if we ever will. My husband says it's not about accepting it, it's learning to live with it. And as much as I fucking hate it, there's nothing I can do about it. Hugging you
ReplyDeleteOne day, you'll slowly come to realise that it is the way it is. Life that is. And it doesn't mean you accept it (that implies that it's all ok and really it's not).
ReplyDeleteWhen Craig and I wrote Kees' eulogy we wrote lots of things that made our boy special, and that's one of the ways we remember him now ... because of the memories we write in his eulogy.
I'm sure you've already done it, but if you haven't, write down all your memories, then even if they somehow fade in your memory, you'll have it all written down.
My defiance is love. No one can stop me from loving him, as fiercely as ever. I couldn't save him, I couldn't protect him, I can't have him - those are things I can't ever change - but I can love him with everything that I am. No one can take that. Ever.
ReplyDeleteTo stop fighting will never mean that you have stopped loving her. You will always love her and she will always love you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Mirne - start making memories (if you haven't already). I write letters to Maya and also wrote her story - from the dream where I first met her to her birth.
Write the story of Georgina. It will help you to remember and maybe one day, Jessica may want to read it too.
You don't have to ever let go of Georgina, just the pain and the sadness. I am struggling with that right now - it's easier said than done.
Sending love...
I can't stop fighting either.
ReplyDeleteI'm still angry and struggle with acceptance, daily. With you on this shitty journey we've been thrust upon. xo
ReplyDeletei don't know if i've mentioned this yet, but you write so beautifully, so passionately.
ReplyDeletei understand your fighting. i'm nowhere near letting the fight go. someone once told me, you'll never get over it, but in time you will learn to live AROUND it. i still haven't figured out how to do that. i'm still trying every which way to get around it. to find that accepting place. that peace in my heart.
i know that you will one day. i hope i will too. i hope we all will.
love, christy