Expectations

I loved being pregnant. I was surprised that I did. The thought of being pregnant used to frighten me a little. I always imagined that it would feel as though I had been invaded by aliens, that it would feel creepy, that my body would no longer be my own. But, as it turned out, I enjoyed sharing.

Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, the office that I was working in was relocated. This meant that I had about a 45 minute commute down the motorway every morning and evening. I really enjoyed the driving. It was quite pleasant going in the summertime. I love singing in the car. I can't sing but I still love to sing. It's probably best that I usually drive alone. I used to sing the girls all the songs my mum used to sing to me when I was little, Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, nursery rhymes, nonsense that I made up. I used to talk to them about what I was going to be doing that day, I used to tell about all the fun things that we would do once they were born, I told them all about their cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. Nothing profound, nothing clever.

I used to laugh at my tummy in the bath, sticking out like a little island. It would go a little lop-sided when both babies moved to one side. I used to stroke them and, in a strange way, I even loved my own body more whilst they were inside it. I have never liked myself much. Until they were there. Then it didn't matter, my body was keeping them safe.

I hope that Georgina heard me, that innocent burbling away, that tender drone of her mother, voice, heart, internal organs all swooshing around her as she swam inside. I hope that she could feel my love, hear my love. I never had the slightest suspicion that she would die. If I had, I would have tried to love her even more.

I didn't feel very well physically throughout my pregnancy with Jessica and Georgina. I felt very nauseous all the time and was particularly triggered by smells. For some reason, I couldn't bear the smell of the fridge even when it was empty. Or the smell of the office reception but that could be because I associated it with going to work. I'm a bit lazy if I'm honest, I sometimes don't relish getting up to go to work.

Once I was walking behind a lady smoking a cigarette and I caught a waft of her smoke. Now usually I like the smell of cigarette smoke, it reminds me of my very dear godfather who smoked Camels like there was no tomorrow. I used to smoke myself when I was younger. Argh, it made me feel so sick. I threw up in the bushes outside the work car park. It was so horrible, I tried everything. The pressure bands that they use for travel sickness, ginger biscuits, dry crackers, eating nothing, eating everything in sight. Nobody recommended that last one, I came up it with all by myself. Sometimes stuffing my face truly seemed to work.

I don't know if I will ever be that truly happy ever again, pregnant or not. I hope that I will be. I hope that if I ever fall pregnant again I will throw every bit of love I still have left to give at that baby. It is all I have. Even if I have another preterm labour.
That time is all that I can ever offer Georgina. That and the three days she survived outside my body. Whilst she was alive she was very, very loved. And I love her still.

I can still remember the first little crack in that certainty. That first inkling that something might, just might, not go according to plan. I was walking along listening to my iP.od and a particular song came on, The Dark is Rising by Mercury Rev. I've tried to link to it here but I'm not very good at all this technological stuff so it might not work. The video is on YouTube if you are interested.

The words suddenly seemed to take on a new and unwanted meaning for me. I suddenly knew how very, very much I wanted these babies. Both of these babies. I remember sitting down on a bench on the way home and crying. Of course, with hindsight, it is easy to imagine that this was some sort of premonition but I don't really believe in such things. Do I?

I dreamed of you on my farm
I dreamed of you in my arms
But dreams are always wrong.

I never dreamed I'd hurt you
I never dreamed I'd lose you
In my dreams, I'm always strong.

I never did. I never dreamed I'd lose her. I thought that I was strong. Until that moment. When I had a terrible glimpse. The dark is rising.

And in the words that follow.

I dreamed that I was walking
And the two of us were talking
Of all life's mysteries
The words that flow between friends
Winding streams without end
I wanted you to see
But it can seem surprising
When you find yourself alone
Now the dark is rising
And a brand new moon is born

I hope that I will walk and talk with Georgina one day. In some shadowy place beyond my imagining, I hope to meet with my first born child. I don't expect to but I hope to.
Those 'words that flow between friends, winding streams without end', they started whilst she was still in my belly and they are still hanging, waiting to be resumed at some unknown point in the future.

Until then.
I walk under the brand new moon.
Without her.